On Orienteering (or Getting Lost in a State Park)

Last weekend, on the invite of a friend, I tried orienteering for the first time. If you haven't heard of it (I hadn't), orienteering is a sport of navigation in which you have to find checkpoints distributed across an expansive natural landscape, using detailed topographic maps and a compass. In this case, we were at a state park outside Denver navigating around both man-made objects like RVs and dumpsters along with natural features like trees and streams.

As we prepare to be on the road for several months, largely in national parks and other wilderness, I thought it would be quite helpful to sharpen my navigation skills. I imagined we'd go out in the middle of nowhere, turn around 50 times, and have to find our way back. Turns out, it wasn't like that at all. Still, I took some valuable lessons after a day of practice.

Get your bearing right to start

Since orienteering is often a race, it can be tempting to look quickly at the map and then dash forward with a moderate sense of direction. I found it was often helpful to slow down at the start to get a clearer idea of where I was headed before starting.

In life, the clearer we are about where we're headed before we start, the more likely we'll get there without getting turned around.

Track your location often

At the same time, we sometimes have to begin taking steps in the general direction of where we want to go because we can't quite see the final destination. When that happens, I learned it's important to check the map early so I can reorient and check my progress.

I can often go long stretches assuming I'm on the right path when I'm slightly off course. Of course, doing that just leads me further off course. Again, what feels like slowing down in the moment actually makes things much easier.

In life, when we're first moving towards a new goal, we might not know exactly what the final destination looks like. Starting off directionally correct is necessary and it's helpful to continue to check in regularly to make sure we truly want to go where we're headed.

Keep going

There were several moments in which I thought about giving up and quitting — when I felt like I was walking in circles and had no idea where the next checkpoint was. I kept making up a story about my friend getting impatient because I was too slow. Whenever that happened, I took a breath and asked myself the worst thing that would happen if that were true. That helped me realize that even the worst case was not a big deal and allowed me to settle back, check the map and my surroundings, then keep going. (And he was not at all impatient as I took my time to finish.)

In life, I'm often tempted to quit when I can't yet see the finish line. And usually, the thing driving me to stop is an unwarranted fear. We never get to learn the lesson that will get us to the finish if we keep stopping in the middle. Keep going.

Keep things at an accurate scale

The two places on the map that mixed me up most were water features. I saw little blue blobs and immediately increased their size in my brain, even though on the map they were in scale with everything else. The result was that I ran past a couple of markers and got myself all turned around. Once I realized my mistake, the map made much more sense.

In life, we might make the obstacles along our path much bigger than they are in reality. For example, we might make asking someone on a date an impossibly large task when, in fact, it's as simple as asking a single question. My story about my friend becoming impatient was also me exaggerating the size of things. More often than not, our obstacles are nothing more than bumps in the road.

Orienteering is everywhere, all the time

I learned this as soon as my friend and I started driving and he asked about my experience with orienteering and navigating. It turns out, I do it in everyday life without thinking. The mountains are always on the west of me in Denver. Cities are built in grids. The analogy running through my book is GPS navigation. The core principles of setting a destination, locating ourselves, and then charting a course underpin my life. It was simply a matter of applying them to a new game.

In life, we're constantly measuring where we are compared against where we want to be. Most of that process, however, can remain unconscious unless we intentionally bring attention to it. The more we check in to ask where we actually want to go, the better we get at it. The more we slow down to discover where we actually are, the better we spot ourselves. Winning is about being able to do either or both at any moment we choose.

Go get lost and find yourself again. It just might be fun.

Love.
Matt

On Generosity

Dall-E: “a hole in a woman's chest opening to reveal a cartoon heart and white light behind it”

Earlier this year, I joined some other high-level coaches for a few weeks of intense coaching practice and development. The group was full of incredible humans I respect deeply and it was a lot of fun to train with them. It was also challenging, as we all demand a lot of ourselves when we're around others we respect.

At the start of every call, we'd check in by briefly sharing how we were feeling and what was going on in our life. There is often (internal) pressure during those check-ins to share the good stuff and leave out the aspects of life we're struggling with. It can be scary to reveal the whole picture of what's going on with us, especially when we want to show up in support of others or so that others don't think they have to take care of us.

On one call in particular, I was feeling great and I checked in with gratitude, excitement, and news of what I was looking forward to that day. Shortly after, someone else checked in with a note that they weren't feeling that great and wanted to be able to show up as generously as me. I smiled.

I've often had a similar perspective about generosity when I tell myself what type of energy I should show up in the world with. The story says that being generous is always giving "positive" energy, always leaving room for others, and never adding something that might bring others down. We're told that leaders need to create upbeat environments and that showing our full humanity is unprofessional.

I see the heart in that perspective...and it's exhausting!

That context for generosity requires us to hide anything other than what we believe is acceptable. It's necessarily stifling, limiting, and disconnecting. In short, it's not very generous.

To me, generosity is the willingness to show up exactly as we are, "positive" or "negative." It's letting others into our experience, however it looks. In doing so, we open a door between ourselves and the world and allow for deeper connection. That door then allows for others to share their experiences more fully, to let us into their world, and creates deeper understanding.

By showing up as our whole selves, we also offer people a choice about how they'll respond. When we hide what's going on for us, we're removing their choice; we're deciding they won't like or accept us before they have a chance. That's stingy and controlling (not generous!). My experience is that, generally, others want to step into that gap (especially coaches) to meet us. In fact, they're often waiting. I have a keen sense of when people are glossing over what's really going on for them to just show me the good parts and the result is that I feel cheated. I want more of them -- the whole picture -- so I can really see them.

Of course, one of my greatest life lessons is to allow others to see me fully. It's been a work in progress for years, so while I'm clear on how my soul relates to generosity, I'm also aware of how my old stories do, too. I'm less likely to open to others when I feel them holding back, even though I know that my courageous sharing will open the door for them. It's a work in progress and I hope my generous offering of that process will allow you or others to find your own courage to share.

As I wrap up my thoughts, I want to make clear that it's important to leave room for nuance in this conversation. I'm not recommending we dump our problems and complaints without permission and call it generosity. Having awareness of how our energy and being impacts the world around us is as important here as it is anywhere. What I'm inviting us all to question is how we might review and upgrade our definition of generosity to allow for more of ourselves and others to exist, how we might hold ourselves to a definition of it that we already hold others to, and how we might continue to show up more committed to living our full expression. It might feel new and it might feel scary but it's probably worth it.

Let yourself out. It's a gift.

On Leadership, Growth, and Coaching

Dall-E: “high-res digital drawing of a seedling growing toward the sun”

Let's spend some time today defining some important concepts for any of us committed to affecting change in the world. Whether you're in the business world, an artist, a student, or otherwise seeking to create change, having a foundational understanding of these ideas will help you navigate them with greater success.

Leadership: Moving life (oneself, people, dogs, nature, the energy of a moment) in an intended direction -- from one place to another. Leadership presupposes meeting life in the moment in order to move it.

Growth: The process of transforming from our current state into a desired state. It's self-leadership -- directed movement toward something we choose -- like a little plant growing toward the sun in an effort to receive more nutrients.

Coaching: Supporting others in leading their own growth and transformation.

The process for each contains three essential components:

• Where we are right now

• Where we want to go

• What's between where we are and where we want to go

When I speak about leadership or growth or coaching, understand that, largely, the language I'm using can be applied to all of them. This is important to remember because we can often believe that we don't have the necessary experience in one of these areas in order to understand it.

You might, for example, be quite versed in the world of personal growth but believe you don't fit the definition of a leader. Or you might be an experienced organizational leader but believe you don't have an understanding of coaching at a personal level.

Let that go. Instead, I'll invite you to believe that you can apply the knowledge and understanding you already have to any of these areas. And if you look closely, you've likely sought out the three components I mentioned anytime you've undertaken a growth-oriented initiative in your life.

The three components of each of these processes give rise to our GPS navigation analogy for growth/leadership/coaching. It's a deceptively simple framework that, when applied in earnest, allows us to create anything we want in life. More on that soon.

On ChatGPT, Fear, and Art

I just read that more than 1 million people signed up and used the new AI ChatGPT in the first 5 days. (Personally, I haven't tried it yet because I've been having fun writing and making art on my own.) People are seriously freaking out. Evidently, any and all text that was once created by humans is now dead. Whole systems are to be burned down. Robots are ruining lives and we need to shut down everything AI before all of society collapses.

Maybe.

And what if that wasn't true? What if ChatGPT is revealing fears for us to look more closely at? What if this is all a tremendous gift, an invitation for us as humans to grow?

When I pause to look at the fears people are sharing, what I see are realities of today's world that we often obscure.

From the fear that people will read and believe everything ChatGPT writes, I see:

• The world today is extremely complex. There is more data and information than any one person can make sense of. Decisions have to be made with a tremendous amount of ambiguity.

• Many of us (myself included) lack a solid understanding of the science and statistical methodology used to study the world. As a result, we take things at face value depending on how they line up with our worldview and our openness to new views.

• We don't want mistrust and lies running our world. *But what do we want?*

From the fear that students will use ChatGPT to write essays and invalidate our entire schooling (or interview or [insert industry that uses words]) process, I see:

• Our shared understanding is that school is for testing that a child can accomplish a basic set of memorization- and process-based tasks in a particular set of time. Student success is measured by their ability to comply with this process. Teacher success is measured by the number of students they compel to comply with this process.

• We have built a school system that values efficiency over all else (I'd assert our entire culture is built the same way). Teachers are required to spend as little time as possible evaluating the competency of every student in order to move them along to the next step in the process.

• That system already has holes we've been scrambling to fill for some time and how those holes have grown into massive craters.

• We don't want people to cheat that system and win when they don't deserve it. *But what do we want? Really?* *What do we want school or interviews to be for? What were we already missing from the current system that these tools have simply magnified?*

From the fear that humans aren't ready for the limitless production of text or visuals, I see:

• We have outsourced our trust compass to external sources -- culture, news, the internet. We doubt our own ability to decide what to believe and empower our own feelings and reality.

• We have lost faith in our innate, divine capabilities as creators of our world. We are more focused on our limitations than we are on our strengths.

• We don't want fear and propaganda to erode all trust. *But what do we want?* *What is trust for in our society? In our world?*

These fears are all looking at the cliff their authors say they don't want to fall into. Meanwhile, the car is moving closer to the edge rather than toward the road we all want to go down.

I'm inviting us to look at the road.

First, by remembering what fear often has us forget: WE MADE THIS THING. Human engineers imagined, designed, developed, and created ChatGPT and the other AI tools that have recently come to be. The bots learn from human-generated words, images, and history. The words they create come from human questions and prompts. We're driving the bus. We always have agency in that. Always.

Secondly, by getting clear -- individually and collectively -- on what we really want in our world. I invited a number of questions above in response to the fears I listed. If we could have a choice (and we do!), what would we have? How would we work and live together? How would we communicate and teach each other?

It's our individual responsibility to ask those questions and then act accordingly. Technology doesn't change that.

Third, let's ask ourselves how these tools can be of use (since we control them) in creating that world we want. People clearly want ChatGPT or else 1 million of us wouldn't have signed up the first week. And there is no way that all of those people are using it to cheat on essays, subvert trust in collective systems, or research a topic for some life-changing decision. What beautiful stories can it be trained to tell?

Fourth, aside from ChatGPT, let's use the fears it's unearthed to choose into something better.

If we're worried that trust is eroding, how can we conspire together to create more trust? I vote we spend more time together, actually together. In conversation about topics that scare us, that reveal our true desires and challenge us to open up. Trust comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. High-volume school essays after often not that, though they can be. ChatGPT-created text will never be.

If we're worried that trustable sources are scarce, how can we find more trust in ourselves? I vote we spend more time disconnected from media and connected to our bodies, minds, and spirit. Move through the old stories that keep us skeptical, find what's truly ours, and bring it to the surface. Learn to love ourselves so much that a piece of text could never sway us.

If we're worried things are speeding up more than we can handle, how can we conspire together to slow down? I vote we have meals together without phones. We cook in community. We go for walks or hikes and settle into our bodies' tempo rather than one dictated by an outside force.

Let's stop looking at the cliff. If we want a beautiful world, let's make it.

My take? These tools are calling for us to evolve into who we're really meant to be. AI is simply inviting us to grow. It's inviting us to ask ourselves what we want to do when the basics are already covered. If we didn't need to worry about that, what then? Where can our creativity take us? What's possible when we get to create whatever we imagine?

What would you make if you could make an image from anything in your imagination? What story would you tell if it could flow out of you so quickly it surprised you? What gift of yours is wilting inside, waiting to be birthed?

I get that such questions are scary. Possibility is accompanied by fear. The excitement of the new is accompanied by fear. There is safety in staying where we are. And. Change is happening. We get to influence how.

Your story is waiting to be told. Your art is waiting to be displayed and shared. Will you be courageous enough to bring in a new world -- the one you want to live in?

Photo credit: Dall-E, of course, from a list of parameters I lovingly offered it

The Ultimate Results Formula

Here is the ultimate formula for creating and measuring results in your life. It's quite simple but here is the good news: it's a lifelong game and you control both the challenge level and whether you win or lose.

(Goals + Structure) x Environment x What For = Results =? Ambition (MVV)

Goals

Goals are the thing we're shooting for. They're broken down into two things: tangible results and experience.

Tangible results = SMART goals. They're specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based. We know when we have reached them and when we have not.

Generally speaking, the size and ambition of the original goal influence the rest of the equation. The larger the goal, the larger the available results. There is no moral or inherent value judgment in that statement. Having a smaller goal does not make someone less worthy and having a larger goal does not make someone less. It's simply a marker by which to evaluate 1. realized results and 2. the structure and environment required to meet such a goal. Generally, a bigger goal requires improved structures and environment in order to achieve desired results.

Experience = how we want life to go for us as we're working toward the goal and as it's realized in our everyday life. It's one thing to make $1 million dollars while working 18 hours a day and isolating one's self from friends and family. It's another to make $1 million while also having a rich social life and enjoying feelings of freedom and delight.

In order to most accurately and effectively evaluate our results, both the goal and experience of it need to be accounted for in equal measure.

Structure

Structures are the specific systems, habits, practices, tools, and operations that move us toward our goals. Again, larger goals generally require stronger structures alongside them. I won't say more systems or larger structures because those aren't necessarily the answer. Sometimes simplicity is the optimal system for realizing certain goals.

Common structures include:

• Journaling

• Coaching

• Meditation

• Exercise

• Team members (as this equation relates just as much to business results as it does personal results)

• Daily schedules and to-do lists

• Sleep

• SOPs

• Software tools and systems

• Metrics dashboards

• And more...

Environment

Our environment has a multiplier effect on our results. It can either be a tremendous boost or a hindrance. I find that our environment is often either the most overlooked factor in our results or the most blamed factor in not achieving the results we set. Environment is broken down into two aspects: internal and external.

Internal environment = the state of our mind, body, and spirit. It includes the way we talk to ourselves, the beliefs we have about the world around us, the level of inspiration we find in our day-to-day life or our mission. It also includes our physical health, including our strength, stamina, and energy level. Lastly, it includes our connection to something bigger than ourselves, our ability to feel awe, wonder, grace, and gratitude.

External environment = the world we're in every day. It includes our physical space, the people we surround ourselves with, the quality of the Earth and nature around us, noise and light, the messages we're receiving, and the tools we have at our disposal.

Sometimes our environment can feel out of our control. We might believe that we can't leave behind the people in our lives or leave the town we live in. We might also believe that our internal environment is unchanging, especially feelings of anxiety or fear. Whether you agree with those disempowered beliefs or not, it's important to understand that they are also a part of our environment. We cannot escape our environment and it's always influencing us. Part of realizing the results we want is becoming aware of it and then choosing to explore something different as a commitment to our goals.

The structures in our lives and our environment are intricately linked. One influences the other and vice versa. Our environment (internal and external) affects our sleep, which affects our adherence to supportive structures like exercise, which affects our mental capacity, and on and on. Choosing a support structure that upgrades our environment can have an outsized effect on our results because of the multiplier effect.

What For

Our What For is also a multiplying factor on our results. It’s our driving force, our rocket fuel, the North Star that keeps us moving forward. We derive our What For from our purpose and commitment in the world. As with the size of our goal, the power behind our What For necessarily determines the size of our results. Bigger doesn’t mean better but it does allow for more sizeable results.

Without a compelling What For, we are likely to give up when life gets hard or fall victim to a negative environment. We might end up achieving results we don’t inherently seek because we’re uncertain about why we’re pursuing things in the first place.

Creating a compelling and energizing What For comes from being solid in our mission, vision, and values (see below). Therefore, both sides of the results equation are inextricably linked.

Results

Results are simply what happens. They're the other side of the equation. Measuring and observing our results is a practice of evaluating the variables on the other side.

If we surpass our goals, we can look at the factors that created that result. And if we fail to reach the goals we had set out for, our results can help us to see which variables can be changed in the future in order to produce different results. Sometimes it's as simple as changing the initial goal because we're actually happy with the results. Sometimes structures and environment need to be shifted if we want to remain committed to the larger goal.

Ambition: Mission, vision, values

Ideally, the size and shape of our goals originate from our personal mission, vision, and values (we'll call that ambition for brevity). Self-awareness is key here. The more we continue to know and understand ourselves, the better we're able to set goals that align with our ambition.

It's important to repeat here that there is absolutely no inherent value judgment to be placed on ambition or goals. They're simply an expression of what each of us, as individuals, wants for ourselves and the world. Given that, comparing our ambition or goals against someone else's is a useless endeavor that produces unnecessary suffering. What my neighbor or old classmate does with their life has nothing to do with mine. The more each of us can separate others' goals or results from our own, the more accurately we're able to set ours in accordance to our unique truth. (Remember: thought habits of comparison are part of our environment and when they're a negative force, they actually impair our ability to realize the results we want.)

Once we separate any moral judgment from our results, we can then effectively measure them against our mission, vision, and values. More helpful questions emerge in helping us to discern whether our goals are actually in alignment with where we want to go and what we're here to do. Furthermore, the more we're in touch with our larger purpose, the more we're motivated to shift our structures and environment in order to bring it to life. It's like rocket fuel for our results engine.

Rinse and repeat

This equation isn't a one-and-done endeavor. In practice, it's a continuous process of evaluation, tweaking, measuring, and assessing. We're always balancing ourselves while asking if we're on the path we want to be on. That's the joy and beauty of purpose. It's a sustaining fuel source that never runs out.

We're always playing some game, even if we're not aware of it. We're always producing some result. Why not pick the results we want and design a game we can win?

Empathy: Really Getting It

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say that good leadership requires empathy, I’d be a rich man. As a buzzword, it’s easy to throw around. However, I find it can be difficult to really understand and even harder to put into practice.

So how do we go about practicing empathy?

First, let’s get clear on what it is. When I think of empathy, I like to think of the word ‘grok' from Stranger in a Strange Land — a Martian word meaning “to understand profoundly and intuitively.” There is a way in which we can simply *get* others, at an intimately human level, that touches both us and them. When people talk about empathy, I believe this is what they mean. But just because it is intuitive doesn’t mean it comes without effort or intention. To really get someone has some nuance of its own.

Practicing empathy isn’t just one singular thing just like great leadership isn’t defined by a single characteristic. There are distinct layers of empathy we can reach as we take on getting another person and they’ll each have their own unique impact.

The first is an intellectual layer. It mostly occurs in our head and is usually the easiest to access: we listen to their story or perspective, connect some potential dots in our head, and can work out a logic in which what they’re saying has merit. We might add some of our own memories to the mix or lessons we’ve received as we’ve grown up to give it some strength.

Here’s an example with a friend who loses their job:

First layer empathy acknowledges it’s probably tough, that it might feel scary, considers the current job market environment, relates to having a crappy boss and how it can feel to be free of that. Many of us have given or received this level of empathy and it feels nice to receive.

To be seen in this way feels pretty good. We tend to like when others can see our perspective and follow our logic. Personally, it helps me to feel like I’m not crazy.

But there is a way to go deeper in really getting someone.

The second layer involves less mind, more body. It requires us to feel into our experience, into the way life moves through us in our bodies, and sometimes into places that feel uncomfortable.

Because this layer of felt empathy can be uncomfortable, it’s easy for us to avoid in favor of intellectual empathy. And frequently, this avoidance happens outside of our conscious awareness; we’re blind to the parts that feel unsafe for us to access. That’s what makes it so important. It uncovers the things most people would rather not look at, touch, or experience and, in doing so, creates a level of connection that’s inaccessible otherwise.

This layer requires us to let go of our ego, of the need to be right, and of our desire for things to be different from how they are. That’s the only way to be with someone in the moment. And in the moment is where the magic happens.

Same example:

Second layer empathy asks of their friend: How are they really doing right now? They feel into the part of themselves that’s afraid they’re a fraud and unhireable. They feel into the shame of having to say publicly they don’t have a job. They feel into their anger and resentment toward past managers for not seeing their worth, for stepping on people, for not caring. They feel into the sadness and loss of purpose, the boredom of looking for jobs day after day. And they allow it to be expressed through their body, without needing to push it away or avoid it.

They really get it. And their friend really gets seen, felt, understood on a different level.

That’s deep empathy. That’s grokking.

I believe our responsibility as leaders is to grow our capacity to be with more of these experiences — both our own and others’ — so we can grok life to the highest degree possible.

The challenge is that it’s a game without external measurables. We get to *feel* empathy and whether we *feel* empathized with and only we know what it’s like. That also makes it a game of trust — in someone else to really feel us and to acknowledge when they feel our empathy, and in our own ability to feel deeply without collapsing. We have to be willing to report and receive in the moment. This trust is a vulnerable act. But it’s worth it.

The reasons for this are probably too many to list. Three for today.

The first is personal: we get to experience more of life, without running away or numbing from our experience. And, as a result, we get to connect more with others, in all of their beauty and greatness.

The second is in business: people will want to work for us and with us. They’ll feel free to share more of themselves, including their potential. They’ll stick through hard times and excel during good times. They’ll speak up when we are about to make a poor decision without holding back out of fear.

The third is more universal: our way of being will have ripple effects. Others will pick up on our habits and take them on as their own. They’ll use courage, not only in the office but at home and in public, and others will see them.

Deep empathy carries tremendous upside. It also takes practice, commitment, and a willingness to go to new places. I’d assert that’s why leadership can feel so scarce: it takes guts to grow as a leader and deeply feel. So if you’re on that path, don’t give up. Staying the course proves your leadership.

And a PS for high-achievers like me...

We can’t (and likely shouldn’t) try to take life to its greatest depths all the time because it can be really taxing, physically and emotionally. So it’s also important that we learn to take care of ourselves as we grow. That’s why getting support from our own leader, coach, or peer group is so important. They’ll help us explore our growth edges, while helping us to recognize when we’re falling into our own pitfalls of, say, pushing too hard.

5 Tips for Stepping into a Leadership Position

So you want to take on a leadership position as your next step. As a top-contributor, it’s something you’ve long eyed as a goal but aren’t quite sure the best way to make sure you’re equipped when the time comes. More than a quarter of managers said they weren’t ready to lead others when they stepped into their role, according to CareerBuilder. Here are some ways to get yourself ready to lead.

1. Get clear on the type of leader you'd like to be.

What do you value in the leaders around you? What change do you want to make?

In order to know if you’re successful in the growth you’re seeking, you need to first know what success looks like. Write down your values and how they play out in actual behaviors day-to-day. Be honest with yourself about where you are in and out of integrity with them today — where your actions don’t quite match what you’ve written down vs. where you’re doing well. Ask yourself if you’re committed to growing into the person who lives them more consistently. What will you have to give up in order to do it?

Mastering the inner game of leadership — setting a vision, enrolling ourselves into it, and taking responsibility for committed action in that direction — is the way to become a leader others will follow.

2. Ask your manager how you can grow as a leader.

If you've created a trusting relationship with your manager, you'll get extremely valuable feedback there. They know you better than most people, see the work you produce, and know what it’s like to lead in your organization.

If your manager is experienced with coaching employees, they’ll likely ask you questions to get deeper into what you’re hoping to achieve. They might ask you what you think your current strengths and weaknesses are, offer resources to help you grow, or give you more opportunities to take on leadership roles within your current position.

And if you struggle to get feedback that you find helpful, practice taking a step back and look at your relationship. How can you practice leadership there? How can you take responsibility for the relationship and for getting what you need to grow as leader, no matter how effectively your manager coaches you?

This exercise will also help you see if your values align with the values of your company — if the leader you desire to be matches what your manager is asking of you. If they don’t, it’s an opportunity for you to reflect on what’s most important to you, so that you can decide if you want to continue to pursue growth within the same company or seek out an opportunity that more closely aligns with your values.

3. Find a mentor who shares your values.

Seek out others — both within and outside of your organization — who’ve gone down similar paths and found success. Be honest with them about why you’re reaching out and share with them your values and aspirations as leader. Ask them the dumbest (and smartest) questions you can think of and learn from their mistakes and successes.

Admittedly, this is an area in which I’ve struggled over the years so I’ll point out an easy way to sabotage this step. As a high-achiever, I often expected myself to know every answer, even in areas I didn’t have experience in. And instead of asking for help, I’d do research on my own to get an answer so that no one ever saw me struggle. I’d often have a single meeting with someone and never follow up because I was sure they had no interest in helping me.

The right mentors get the struggle. They’ve been there and expect you to go through it, too. Once again, this is an opportunity to practice the inner game of leadership, of acting as the leader you want to be.

4. Get a coach.

For my money, this is the fastest way to grow, period. Advice, lessons, and books from others are useful but your path as leader is yours alone. The right leadership coach will help you to uncover the barriers you put in the way of your own growth so that you can grow beyond them. Seek out coaches who will challenge you to get clear on what you want in your life and as a leader, and lovingly stand for you to step into that.

A coaching relationship is arguably your biggest opportunity to take responsibility for being a leader in your life. It’s different from a mentorship relationship, in that your coach won’t have to have a similar experience in order to serve your growth. In fact, it can be helpful to work with someone who’s experience is far from your industry so that they enter with a fresh perspective. The investment is also quite different, as coaches often require financial commitments beyond what we’ve invested in the past. That creates fertile ground for you to grow as leader, on days you’re full of confidence and days you’re full of doubt, with someone alongside you the whole way.

5. Remember that every position is a leadership position.

You might have noticed the theme above. At every stage, there is an opportunity to practice leadership. We often confuse management for leadership, when they’re two very different things. It’s possible (and beneficial) for anyone to practice being a leader, at any time, no matter their position or title. That’s what we teach to our clients and it’s a requirement as the world continues to change.

What that means is that you don’t have to wait until you’re nearing a promotion to begin your growth as a leader, to invest in yourself, or to get clear on what leadership means to you. Start today, with the first step above, and start walking the path as only you can.

Toil and Patience

The name Golden Bristle was inspired by more than a glorious, mythical boar. I stumbled upon Gullenbursti through his caretaker, Freyr, the Norse god of harvest. The harvest has special meaning for me. The symbol on my right wrist is the runic mark of harvest.

It reminds me that we reap what we sow.

It’s carried another meaning, as well, that only recently did I realize has had a profound impact on how I live my life. The harvest has also represented the fruits/spoils of toil and patience. It’s the reward after hard, hard work and waiting.

For years, that meaning had a tremendously positive influence on me, especially in a time when patience seems to be at an all-time low. The willingness to strive and push without expecting immediate returns has served me well.

The unintended consequence is that it’s also kept me chasing something out in the future — the reward that will come at some point once I’ve worked hard enough, been patient long enough. One amazing, bountiful harvest to rule them all. You might have already noticed that sounds like a rigged game, one that I can never win. You’d be right. And I’m just seeing it for the first time.

Starting today, I’m playing a new game instead. One inspired by my mythical boar. It was said that wherever he went, flowers bloomed and the sun shone. He was a walking harvest, literally creating abundance every step he took.

That requires patience — love and compassion, to be with flowers as they’re blooming, to not rush them — without putting success off into the future. It requires work — the willingness to be the one who can make the sun shine around him, no matter what others say or think — without making things harder than they really are. (I stopped to cry as I wrote that part. That’s edgy for me.)

Most importantly, it’s the game I want to model to others around me. To the men in my group on the verge of burnout because they know how to achieve only by grinding every day. To the leaders I coach who desire to create freedom and ease in their lives, without constantly putting external success in the way. To my family and friends and future children, who are in a world that tells them that happiness is around the next corner, forever. To you.

Celebrating the Best Day of the Year

Today is my birthday.

Years ago, I vowed that I’d never work on my birthday when I was my own boss. (This is the only writing I’m doing today before signing off to enjoy life.) I’m a firm believer that our birthdays should be personal holidays.

The irony, of course, is that most of us would probably decide not to take it.

In 2017, fewer than half of Americans used the full number of vacation days they were given. More than 28 million Americans don’t receive paid vacation or holidays (we’re one of only 13 countries in the world that doesn’t guarantee time off). In most countries, people are mandated to take at least some time off.

It makes sense, right? We need rest. Olympic athletes take at least a month off every year from training. And that doesn’t include their active rest days, when they ease back to give their bodies time to recover.

The question of rest and time off is a question of what we value.

What do you value in your organization and as a leader? Do you wear long days as a badge of honor, staying in the office late and rescheduling personal plans to put out work fires? Does your office culture encourage talking behind people’s backs when they take sick or vacation days? Or do you make time for fun and play, rest and self-care — not because you’re “supposed to” but because they’re important to you?

If you need a business reason to take another look at time off, here is one. More than 94% of vacations create improved energy and outlook upon returning, according to HBR. And Sibson Consulting has shown that companies that encourage time away from the office have higher employee engagement levels, lower turnover, less stress-related illness and fewer workers’ comp claims.

Just beware: when looking up the impact of vacation days on businesses, about half of the first page of Google results talk about the costs to employees of vacation days. We’re still fighting a culture of shortsighted spreadsheet thinking. But the companies that win are those that understand the big picture.

You don’t have to give birthdays off every year. Find a policy that works for your values. And pay attention to what you’re modeling as a leader, what you’re demonstrating is important in your organization. It speaks volumes and everyone is listening.

Devil's Night, Detroit, and Culture Change

We’re going to celebrate Halloween together today by exploring a little holiday history, with a lesson on culture change baked in.

You might know that I grew up just outside Detroit, the now beleaguered city that once powered America (a city I love with all of my being). Growing up, while Halloween was a fun time for me, the night before it was anything but fun for people in the city.

Devil’s Night, as it was known, was the Detroit's extreme take on the historically mischievous night. How extreme? In 1984, there were more than 800 fires set in the city. Around the country, people talked about how dangerous Detroit was becoming and for more than a decade, visitors thought twice before heading into the city.

City officials mulled over action plans to reduce Devil’s Night crime for years but couldn’t agree on the best way forward. So they chose to do nothing.

Reflection: What toxic behaviors or patterns do you spot in your company that are going ignored?

Changing the Message

In 1997, a major shift was made. Detroit mayor Dennis Archer rebranded the night Angels’ Night, police tightened teenager curfews, and the city recruited volunteers to patrol for suspicious behavior. His message was clear: Detroit values peace for its people, not violence. Those who would do damage to the city were not welcome.

The result: That year, 35,000 volunteers took up the charge. Fires in the three-day period around Halloween dropped to 142, and Mayor Archer received a City Livability Award in 1999 by the U.S. Conference of Mayors.

Reflection: As a leader, how can you take action to change this pattern?

Note: Mayor Archer worked on three different levels. He changed the message: Devil —> Angel. He changed policy: Tougher curfews. And he gathered supporters for his cause: Thousands of volunteers. On what levels can you inspire change within your organization?

The Next Step

This year, Mayor Mike Duggan is taking things a step further, removing the Angels’ Night name altogether. Going forward, Detroit will have three nights of Halloween. Their goal is to complete the a perceptual change for the entire holiday, from representing mayhem and violence to that of a celebration for the kids.

The change hasn’t happened quickly — it’s been more than 20 years since the first steps were taken — and there is no guarantee it’ll stick. But the major shift happened when the city’s leadership took decisive action to improve a violent culture and that same charge has been picked up by the mayor today.

Reflection: What does a complete shift of this broken pattern look like? What are you striving to create and how will you know once you get there?

If Detroit Can Do It…

You can, too. I love the city and it still has a host of challenges. We all do — in our workplaces, homes, and in our own minds. But isn’t that why we’re here? To work through those challenges, explore and learn? To create a better tomorrow for the people we love?

I know it can feel overwhelming at times, like what you do doesn’t matter (it does) or won’t change anything (it will). But only if you choose to keep moving.

You got this.

Sending Lovingkindness to Those Who Need It

I've felt inundated by negative news lately. Not in my own life but in the world around us -- political strife within the US and abroad, threats of war, massive hurricanes and more. Every day that I turn on the morning news I see that more people have been killed in various ways across the state of Connecticut, and I know it's happening everywhere.

It can be easy to become overwhelmed by all of it. The 24/7 news cycle captures our eyeballs by keeping them focused on what's going bad. Even I'm doing it right now.

Enough.

“Always remember: Your focus determines your reality.

— Qui-Gon Jinn

Our brains are hurting. Literally. Study after study after study show us that thoughts alone can change our brains. And we're wired to focus on negative events because in our past it helped us stay alive. Thankfully, today we don't have to worry about remembering under which tree our friend was eaten by a tiger. So instead it's financial meltdowns and mega-storms.

Last night I decided I would do my little part in breaking the negativity cycle and I'm going to keep it up for the next week at least. I led a small group of meditators through a guided lovingkindness meditation and focused for an extended time on those affected by the recent hurricanes. It was a beautiful experience and I woke up today with a revived energy.

The practice is simple: Imagine a group of people experiencing hardship -- you may or may not know them personally. And repeat to them, silently or aloud, some statements of love and well-wishes.

We used: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from harm.

You can use whatever you want. Send prayers. Send positive vibes. Whatever works for you. The important thing is to focus on the love, the positivity that you're sending outward. I promise, you'll end with a smile on your face and a completely different experience from watching what's on the news.

Go forth and spread goodness!

Techniques and Tricks for Staying Mindful Throughout the Day

I recently answered a great question on Quora requesting some specific techniques, reminders and tricks we can use to continue to practice mindfulness or stay mindful throughout our day. It's all about little habits, over and over. Here is the full answer:

---

I love this question. So often, we approach new things as something to check off our to-do list. Once it’s done, I can forget about it for the rest of the day.

• Get groceries [check]

• Meditate [check]

• Be nice [check]

But life isn’t like that. Mindfulness isn’t like that. Ideally, our mindfulness practice helps us to be able to pull ourselves back into the present moment many times throughout the day. That’s the purpose of a practice. Not to sit in bliss for 20 minutes and then go yell at someone during our drive to work.

So thank you for the question.

Now, onto some tips you can use. Bringing mindfulness to our day can be just like trying to bring any new habit into our lives. (Check out The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business for some in-depth exploration into this.)

Basically, we need to understand what queues in our environment or lives help to produce an action. For example, I might bite my nails before every meeting with my boss. The queue - meeting with my boss - causes anxiety, which produces the habit.

To create a new, positive habit, we can identify and introduce some queues. Some you might try:

• Take 5 full, deep breaths at every red light you encounter during your drive to work. (Other tips to Zap the Stress From Your Commute)

• Before you walk into a meeting, stop and check in with your body. Feel your feet on the ground, notice if you’re tense anywhere, depth and pace of your breath.

• On your lunch break, take 5 minutes to do a walking meditation before heading back to work.

The idea in all of these is that we’re introducing a small habit into encounters or events that happen every day. Little by little we can bring ourselves into mindful awareness.

You can also introduce an outside stimulus to remind you to be mindful. Some samples:

• Set an alarm on your phone to go off at random times during the day. When it goes off, stop everything you’re doing and take 3 deep breaths or practice focusing on your breath for 30 seconds to a minute.

• Some email clients let you create an alert before you send an email message, asking if you’re sure you want to send. Enable the alert and every time you see it (before you send your message), stop, breathe and imagine telling the person you’re sending the email to “I wish you health and happiness.”

• Other ideas for you to Start Your Mindfulness Practice Today

Finally, you can introduce some daily habits that require you to pay attention in a way that cultivates mindfulness and compassion.

• Start a daily gratitude journal. Write 3 things you’re grateful for every day. This helps you to focus your mind on the positive aspects of your life instead of getting mired in the negative. Here is My Personal Daily Gratitude Practice.

• Write thank you notes regularly. Or make public declarations toward coworkers, friends, etc. of gratitude for the things they bring to your life. This, too, helps you to look for jewels of good in the everyday goings on. Some other tips on how to Make Your Workplace a Grateful Place.

These are all just ideas. There are thousands more, I’m sure. Keep searching for what works for you. Experiment and see what sticks. Good luck. You’re on a great path.

SOURCE: HTTPS://WWW.QUORA.COM/WHAT-ARE-SOME-TECHNIQUES

Becoming a Mindful Leader

In previous posts, I’ve explored the challenges we’ll face in the next 10, 20 or more years. Technology is eating the world and changing things at breakneck speed. That’s all fine, but we need the tools to keep up.

I believe that mindful leaders, their teams, and organizations will not only survive tomorrow’s changes, but thrive, because they’ll be equipped to connect on a human level with their customers, employees and partners.

What makes a mindful leader?

Remember that we’re mindful when we’re aware of what’s going on in and around us, able to accept it exactly as it is. When we’re at our best in this regard we have a deep understanding of our place in the world and don’t allow ourselves to be driven by forces outside of our control. And in the broader context of our team, we see where to direct our combined efforts, what strengths each of us has to help get there, and how best to motivate each person individually.

Mindful leaders are fully present, aware of themselves and their impact on others, and focused on achieving the goals of the team. They possess three key qualities:

    * Self-awareness
    * Awareness of others
    * Focus on what’s important

Self-awareness is our foundation, the basis for connecting deeply with others. It means understanding better what’s going on inside ourselves - our own thoughts and feelings, motivations and biases.

It takes a lifetime to master and never fully achieved because we never cease to change.

But we can begin to use our own self-awareness as a guide to understanding others more deeply and how our actions can actually impact them. We can use this to bring out the best in others.

And the whole time we improve our ability to focus — to pick out what is important, what is not important. To know where we’re headed as a team or where I need to direct my energy and time to make the greatest impact. 

Our mindfulness practice can get us there. If we're committed. If we’re dedicated to staying open to the unknown, the uncomfortable, the amazing and everything in between. That’s the path to becoming a great leader.

Practically Mindful: Looking at United Airlines' Epic Failure of Leadership

We all know what happened on a recent United Air flight when a physician was assaulted and dragged off an airplane for refusing to vacate his seat. It should have never happened. And I don't think it would have if United leadership was focused on their purported shared purpose.

My take below, along with four steps to making sure your company doesn't fall into the same trap.

How to make sure your organization doesn't experience a leadership failure like United:

1. Figure out your company's Why

Ask yourself why your organization exists. What is your grander vision and reason for being? Some call this a mission statement, vision or shared purpose. I call it your Why.

It's the reason people remain loyal employees and the reason your best customers keep coming back. And needs to inform every decision you and your team make. Mindful leaders are able to articulate this Why to every stakeholder -- employee, customer, shareholder, board member -- and use it to direct the company toward success.

If you don't have one, find one.

2. Figure out your personal Why and check its alignment with your company's

Each of us has our own unique reason for being. Our own gift for the world. That thing that gets us up every day. And we need to uncover it if we want to do our best work. A core piece of mindful leadership is gaining the self-awareness required to understand our personal Why.

Once you have your Why, check it against your company's. Are they in alignment? If not, in what ways to they differ? If you're CEO, you'll need to make adjustments or you won't be successful long-term. You'll burn out or change your strategy to try to make things fit.

Get things in alignment.

3. Write down How you live that Why in detail

Now it's time to take that vision down to the pavement. If you have a set of company values, list out how you and your employees actually live them out. What activities do you engage in and what do they look like? What do they not look like?

It's important to get detailed on this so that you can see where you're succeeding and failing. If one of your values is to live by your word and you fail regularly at that, something needs to be fixed. If you say you value continual learning and don't attend conferences yourself, you're not living that value. Your employees will stop believing what you say (and customers won't be very far behind).

Get detailed. How does this look?

4. Make a plan for sharing this Why with everyone in your organization.

If every employee can't tell you your Why and give specific examples of How it's exhibited, how do you think they'll perform during crunch time? Living your Why needs to become a daily practice for everyone (starting at the top).

Ask yourself how you can share your Why with your team, top to bottom. Even more, how can you empower them to share it with each other every day. How can you celebrate the people whose actions most reflect it.

Spread the word.

Connecting with Millennials in the Workplace

I was asked a great question recently from a Baby Boomer about connecting with Millennials in the workplace and at home. He wanted to know how he could get them to better communicate with him face-to-face and stop relying on devices - “How do I get them to put the phones down and talk to me.”

I gave the shortest and most straightforward answer I could in the moment (and also directed him to Simon Sinek's take on this). But I also want to take some time to explore the question and answer more deeply. There is a lot to explore and it’s appropriate to give it the required space.

I’m going to do a little role-play in applying the traits of a mindful leader — self-awareness, awareness of others and focusing on what’s important — to help us find the best course of action in getting on the same page. In this case, I'm the leader who’s having trouble connecting with a younger person. Full disclosure: I’m technically a millennial, which makes this extra fun.

Context: We’re in a face-to-face meeting, either individually or in a group setting. My Millennial counterpart is interacting with their phone and I perceive them as disengaged from the conversation.

Here are some ways I can approach things with mindfulness.

Self-Awareness

1. I can apply self-awareness by examining what I'm bringing to the conversation — my assumptions, biases, feelings, etc.

When I look closely, I might see some thoughts pop up like:

“It’s so rude to be looking at your phone when someone is talking to you. This new generation just doesn’t know how to communicate. They should listen to what I have to say; I have so much I could teach them if they just listened. But they don’t care about any ideas except their own. Entitlement. That’s what it is. And what’s so important on there anyway?”

Yikes. That is some loaded internal chatter.

And I can imagine how I’d feel if someone walked into a conversation with me holding on to those kinds of thoughts and feelings. I’d be on the defensive immediately, even if they had something really valuable to offer me, because their tone would give them away.

This recognition of my biases doesn’t mean they’re right or wrong, and that isn’t really the point. Rather, it’s a piece of information that I can use to improve how I approach the interaction. It’s obvious I intend to make an argument about the importance of face-to-face conversation, eye contact, etc. and I need to do it in a relatable way. I can also choose to look more deeply into those held beliefs later on (or this simple practice might help me release a few right away), but in this current conversation it’s enough to just become aware of their existence.

Once you see the thoughts for what they are, can you change your approach to the conversation?

2. I can identify the things that cause an emotional response when we interact. Then I can choose how I’ll respond to them in the future.

I deeply enjoy making eye contact in conversation. It’s natural for me and I think it helps me understand and connect with other people. And some people really don’t like it. Prolonged eye contact might make them feel anxious and insecure, producing a felt response in their body. Neither preference is right or wrong.

If I pay attention to my own internal responses to interacting with this coworker, I can recognize the actions that trigger something for me. Maybe they check their phone right when I’m making an important point. Maybe they’re slow to respond to a question and I think they’re distracted. Maybe they don’t turn to face me as I expect.

What emotions are triggered for you? Where do you feel them and when?

3. I can be honest about the times I share in that behavior. No matter our age, all of us fall trap to our devices. It’s human nature. 

Once I'm open to accepting my own behavioral imperfections, I might be able to find a way to talk openly with my Millennial coworker about how I feel when I get sucked into my devices. Maybe I can share the story of my partner being annoyed when I played Candy Crush at dinner. Or how I now find myself photographing all of my food when I go out.

If we’re on a level playing field, it might be easier to have productive dialogue instead of me lecturing. We can both feel a little better understood.

What similarities do you share and what can you learn from them? How can they build a bridge?

4. I can also be honest about the ways in which my devices provide great benefits to my life.

Let’s be honest, most of us couldn’t go a day without our phones. Parents say that they always need to be available in case their kid isn’t OK (although we went thousands of years without being imminently available and kids turned out fine). When I moved to Hartford, I literally would have been lost all of the time without my phone, as I relied on GPS to get me everywhere.

Can you recognize our collective reliance on technology and reframe your own judgments about it? Can you find space for differences?

Awareness of Others

1. I can take a minute to recognize the environment they were raised in. They have a different relationship with technology than me.

The vast majority of the millennial generation grew up on computers. They only know a life of internet connection. They’ve been texting since they could drive (or even earlier). As someone in the older generation, I relate to this need for digital connection differently than they do. Just like my parents struggled to keep up with rapid changes in media and technology when I was growing up (only now, it’s happening at a much faster clip).

And, millennials didn’t create this world. In fact, we did. Our generation built the cell phones they got as kids. We pushed technology capabilities that make the internet as powerful as it is today. We demand lighter and faster iPhones every year, just like the younger folks.

We’re all in this together.

Can you get them to open up about their experiences communicating with others so you can get more background on how they view technology and its role in their lives? How can you better understand their environment as a leader?

2. I can remember my responsibility to recognize the strengths of my team.

If I jump to the conclusion that they can’t communicate with others, I’ve eliminated the possibility of them using their personal gifts successfully. I’ll act in a way that’s guaranteed to prove my assumptions correct, by treating them in a certain way or giving them work that leads to me being right.

I’m denying them a chance to communicate in a way that’s different from my ideal image. I’m denying them a chance for growth.

As a leader, my primary job is to put the right person in the right spot so that they can grow to the maximum extent possible. Maybe I can put them on a new project where their perspective can prove valuable. Maybe they just need feedback delivered differently than me. 

Are you matching your talent to the right roles and responsibilities? Are you using the right approach as a manager?

3. I can recall my role as a leader is to inspire growth and greatness, rather than to push for my personal values to be tightly followed.

There is an immense amount of self-awareness required to step back and recognize when I’m demanding that others follow my rules simply because I want it that way. And yet, I can take this step.

I believe people do great work because they believe in Why they’re doing it — because they’re committed to the vision and values of the organization. If our values reinforce interpersonal communication, I can articulate them in a way that my coworker understands. That’s real leadership.

Do you know if they’ve ever received formal feedback or coaching? How can you counsel them, as opposed to demanding that they change? Can you inspire them to grow?

Focus

1. I can remind myself of exactly why we’re doing the work we do and that it’s bigger than any of us alone.

When I know I’m right, I sometimes dig in with fervor. To the extent that I forget why it even mattered in the first place. (Unfortunately, I often know I’m right, until I turn out to be not-quite-right.)

But if I can escape this need to be proven correct or to have everyone agree with me, I can get back to the reason we’re here: To do great work and fulfill our organization’s Why.

Disagreements happen. Differences in styles are inevitable because we’re all different. If I remain hung up on those things, we won’t ever get the hard work done that will produce real results.

What can you do to reconnect with your Why? How can you help everyone to stay in alignment with it? 

2. I can remain focused on the present moment — my interactions in the meeting and the original purpose of our discussion.

It can be easy to get pulled away from the reason for the two of us talking in the first place and to become stuck on something that I want to change. But right now might not be the time and place to bring up my criticisms or feedback.

As the leader, it’s my responsibility to hold us both accountable for sticking to our purpose in each moment, making sure we’re working toward our goal instead of being sidetracked.

If I can remain focused on the present moment, I am also more likely to find opportunities to connect. If I’m stuck ruminating on how I want things to go differently, I lose the ability to find ways to connect as things are now. Maybe this time I have to repeat myself multiple times and I feel like we’re wasting time. That is something I can note to discuss in the future, while remaining focused on today’s purpose.

Where are your thoughts? Are you in the present moment, responding to what’s currently happening? What’s your anchor when things start to unravel? 

Relating to coworkers from different generations can’t be accomplished with a magic wand. (The same goes for people in our own generation.) But if we can practice mindfulness in our interactions, becoming more self-aware and focused on what brings us together, we can often find common ground.

Keep working. And good luck.

Practically Mindful: Technology is Changing the World

In this next installment of Practically Mindful, I dive deeper into the ways technological growth is changing the world. It's something I've talked about before and is often underestimated as a massively disruptive force in our lives.

That's because our brains aren't designed to conceptualize how quickly exponential growth curves produce change.

It comes down to this: The world we grew up in is changing. That's neither good nor bad. It's on us to learn how to thrive in the midst of that change. That requires us to be able to stay calm amid uncertainty, solve complex problems, and to remain undistracted. At the same time, the human connection becomes even more valuable. We were made to connect and in the future, it will be a requirement.

My challenge for you: Pay attention to technology in your life. How are you using it? How has it impacted your daily behaviors, and how can you keep the relationship you want with it?

Practically Mindful: Accepting Change

I was back in Nashville last week to speak at the Tennessee Center for Performance Excellence annual conference, and couldn't believe how much change the city has gone through in a few short months.

The house I lived in for 4 of my years in the city is set to be demolished in May, in favor of some huge duplexes. That means last week was the last time I'll see it in person.

Changes happen whether we're ready or not. It's a part of nature and it's a part of being human.

In this installment of the Practically Mindful live video series, I talked about how we can learn to manage this change, however it looks. Enjoy.

(You can follow me on Facebook to get new videos live as I broadcast.)

The Daily Practice That Will Change Your Life: 5 Questions

I started a daily gratitude practice in earnest once I dedicated more of my life to the examination of living mindfully. Everywhere I looked, there was a new study telling me that the happiest, most successful people meditate and practice gratitude regularly.

It’s a funny phrase, to ‘practice’ gratitude. Just like it’s funny to think about ‘practicing’ meditation or mindfulness, in the same way we'd practice a sport. But in the phrase is a lesson, in two parts: 1. We need to do it on a regular basis to get better and 2. We’re never going to be perfect (so we get to keep doing it).

A lovely lesson to learn over and over, if you ask me.

So I started writing down three things I was grateful for, nearly every day. This single, small practice changed my life.

That’s a powerful statement. And I know it doesn’t seem like could be much to writing some stuff down every day, but believe me, it works. Research shows it more and more all the time.

My Daily Gratitude Practice

I’ve refined my practice since the first days. I do what fits me and I want to share that with you. It might work for you. You might want to add something. You might want to remove something. Either is OK.

Every day, I answer five prompts, usually in the following order:

1. Why am I here?

My Why is the most important part of my work and life. It’s what gets me out of bed every day, keeps me motivated through the tough times and helps me stay focused on how and what I can do to make an impact.

My life Why: I am here to love. My work why: I help people unleash their awesome on the world.

Every day I write that as a reminder of what it’s all about and use it as a frame for every decision I make thereafter. My off days come when I drift from this focus, every time.

What’s your Why?

2. I am grateful for:

I write at least three things every day that I’m grateful for. They can be the same things over and over (my strong, resilient, health body or the sun shining over us). They can be different things.

You might not be able to come up with very many things to be grateful for at first. That’s OK. Keep going and over time more will come.

Start with 3 things you're grateful for in this moment.

Maybe even try this fun exercise: Come up with 10 things you don’t like and why you’re grateful for them. (Hint: At the very least, they teach us how to live in the midst of things that make us uncomfortable. Now keep going!)

3. What would I like?

There is that old saying that we can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t know where it is, or something like that. I think it’s true.

If I want to wander aimlessly, not stopping to figure out what I want is a guaranteed way to get there. Since I know my Why, finding what I want is easy. I want to share more love. I want to help more people make an impact. And little things add up to get there.

I want my family to live in a safe house. I want to make enough money to provide for them. I want to go on a restful vacation once a year. I want to spend more time with the people I love. It all goes back to Why.

What do you want?

4. How can I be of most service to my people today?

This question is a new addition to the list, giving more specificity than the previous version. What makes this question so powerful? A few things.

It asks us to be of service. Focusing on being of service to others is really the key to success, happiness and all kinds of things we strive for. If you don't believe me, look at quotes from most any successful salesperson or businessperson throughout history. It's always about others.

It forces us to think about who we're serving. Who are my people today? Is it my employees? My customers? My family? The answer might change a little on a daily basis, which only helps the answer to become more clearly defined and result in a more powerful focus.

It's time-sensitive. Shooting for a single win every day is a surefire way to success. Staring at a long, static to-do list, feeling overwhelmed is a way to not win the day.

And once we get some success answering this call every day, we can start applying it more often -- moment to moment even. How can I be of most service to the person with me at this moment? That's magic.

Be of service to your people. Identify how, commit and do it.

5. Daily Affirmation

Affirmations are ways of saying 'I love you’ to ourselves, of creating the lives we want and watching them form. Some examples:

- Today is a great day.
- I accomplish everything I set out to do. Nothing stands in my way.
- I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.
- I am enough. (My personal favorite.)

What are we doing with these? We’re training our brains to believe in the positive. So much of our world is filled with events and stimuli made to bring us down (just check out any news channel). These daily affirmations are our opportunity to shape the world we see into something better, one word at a time.

Write your affirmation daily. Then read it aloud and repeat it anytime you feel lost. It works. I promise.

These are just five things to do daily, most days or even just days you’re struggling, to help you live your most awesome life. You might not notice it at first, but over time everything around you will improve. It’s like magic, except you’re the one making it.

Make Your Workplace a Grateful Place

Workplace gratitude can be a surprisingly difficult topic to talk about. On one hand, we shouldn’t have to argue much for the merits of recognizing others’ efforts at work. Each of us can point to a time when we were recognized and how great it felt. We need to feel appreciated. It’s a natural human trait.

At the same time, taking time out of our day to thank others can feel like a burden. As if it’s another thing on our to-do list.

Tell someone they’re great…! **Check.**

It can also feel strange to publicly thank someone else if your work culture isn’t always open to such displays or if you’re nervous about how someone will respond.

So we’re going to put some of those fears to rest and help turn your workplace into an unabashedly grateful place.

Saying Thanks Isn’t All That Hard

It really isn’t hard. It’s just awkward sometimes. Like saying I’m sorry. Feelings happen when we try to say the words. Fortunately, that’s exactly why it’s important to do.

When we’re able to express emotions with and around others, we create a sense of camaraderie. We're trusted more because of our willingness to be open. And that feeling of cooperation spreads. Studies have shown that cooperative behavior is contagious, so as one person begins saying thanks, others will follow. Each of us can be the leader.

Practicing gratitude is also good for your health. It’s been shown in numerous studies to decrease depression, while increasing happiness, self-esteem and overall well-being. Teaching ourselves to focus on the positive can reduce negative thoughts, reducing aggression and envy.

Say Thanks Today

Here are a few ways you can boost the gratitude meter at your work:

• Start small: If making a public declaration isn’t your thing, start by sending simple thank you emails. Shoot for one a day to different people. Try to catch people doing something good and recognize it. Once you feel more comfortable, start thanking people aloud.
   

• Be specific: You don’t want to be the company that gives a ’thank you for your service’ keychain after 10 years. It's no wonder people think showing gratitude is strange. Instead, recognize a specific action. Try something like, Hey, thanks for hopping in on this project. It really helped me get it done faster and the client was thrilled. Easy peasy.
   

• Practice everywhere: The most powerful part of my day is my morning gratitude journal practice. It helps me practice finding things to feel grateful for and gets my mind in a place to do good work. This is especially helpful if you’re having a tough day. Take out a piece of paper and write down three things you’re grateful for. Soon you’ll see good all around

For more thoughts on gratitude, read our advice for mindfully navigating a workplace with high burnout.

Zap the Stress From Your Commute

One of my biggest sources of work stress used to come before I even got to work — during my commute. I’ve been known to be a pretty intense driver. It’s not that I drive that fast. I just want to get wherever I’m going quickly, even when I’m early. And I want everyone to either get out of my way or move at the perfect speed. Oh, and I want every light in my path to be green. Seems reasonable… 😃

Of course that doesn’t happen. And I would arrive at work stressed and annoyed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I had no interest in helping clients or being of service to anyone else. How could I after such a drive?

It wasn't exactly the best way to start the day. And imagine welcoming me home at the end of it, if I was already stressed from work and had to deal with traffic again later. I'm sure I wasn't very pleasant.

Something had to change. And it wasn’t going to be the drive or the traffic. So it had to be me.

Before I knew much about meditation, I used breathing techniques as a tool to fall asleep. (I didn’t know I was meditating.) I still didn’t know much about what I was doing when I applied these same exercises during my morning drive. All I knew was that when I did them, I felt better.

My hands and jaw weren’t sore from clenching out of frustration. My heart wasn’t beating out of my chest. I didn’t feel like arguing with people when I got to work.

Becoming a Mindful Driver

Three things that work for me when I feel The Hulk start to come out on my drives.

1. Breathe

The simplest thing any of us can do, anytime, is breathe. Slow, deep breaths help our nervous system to relax. We get out of fight or flight mode and can trigger our rest and digest mechanism. (That sounds way more pleasant to you, right?) A wave of hormones hits us and our heart rate decreases, muscles relax and we’re happier.

Try this: Count to 10 deep breaths while you’re driving, especially when something agitates you — someone cuts you off, the guy in front of you keeps hitting his brakes, the light won’t change, etc.

2. Pay Attention

Remember, you’re driving. You’re navigating a large, metal box at (sometimes) high speeds in near proximity to other people in metal boxes. Paying attention to the act is probably a good idea.

And it turns out, it is. High-anger drivers are twice as likely as other drivers to be in collisions. Likely because they engage in more aggressive behaviors and drive at higher speeds

Try this: Pay attention to the fact that you’re driving. Notice that minor changes in the pressure on your foot have dramatic effects on your acceleration and speed. Notice the road in front of you. Notice that you’re holding the steering wheel. Is your grip tight or loose? How does that affect your body?

3. We’re All Trying Our Best

I’m the center of my universe, just as you’re the center of yours, and the woman hogging the road in her SUV is at the center of hers. As David Foster Wallace so vividly pointed out during his famous commencement speech, there might be space to consider why she drives that way — maybe she was in a terrible accident, or maybe she’s in a hurry because her son is sick and she’s rushing to the doctor.

Very likely, it’s nothing that dramatic, but the lesson can remain: Each of us is doing the very best we can at every moment of the day. And instead of frustration, there might also be room for grace and forgiveness.

Try this: The next time someone cuts you off, wish them luck and happiness on their journey. Smile, even. Remember they’re trying their absolute best, just as you are.

Bonus: Try to drive for fuel efficiency

If you want to try going a little more green and save yourself some money, be mindful of your acceleration and braking patterns. Small steps like accelerating a little more slowly or coasting instead of braking hard can have a big impact on your car’s gas usage. And you get some residual benefits: You’re paying more attention to your own driving than the jerk who cuts you off so you’re more in control of your emotions. Driving at a more controlled speed, you’re better prepared to avoid an accident with another car. And you can give yourself a nice mental reward in knowing that you’re acting with kindness both toward the Earth and toward other drivers.