3 Ways to Beat Finals Week Stress

It's finals week time at college and university campuses around the country. That means long nights, increased coffee consumption and zombie-teens in sweats, hunched over library tables.

But it doesn't also have to mean panic attacks, early onset gray hairs or spontaneous crying fits. Finals are hard but together we can overcome the stress.

And because I love you all so, I've compiled a short list of tips and tools you can use to beat finals week like the champion you are.

1. Take a mindful SNACK moment

The recipe (get it?):

• Stop: Just stop whatever you're doing.

• Notice: Notice what's happening within and around you.

• Accept: Accept whatever is happening without judgment (this is the hard part).

• Curious: Get curious about yourself and surroundings. Pretend you're a detective.

• Kindness: Respond to yourself and others with kindness and proceed.

For the full write-up, head to mindful.org.

2. Deepak Chopra teaches you to meditate your stress away

3. When all else fails, cute cats!

Thanks to Buzzfeed, we can find pictures of cute animals anytime we want. Just don't get sucked into clicking the other links on the site and procrastinating for the rest of the day!

Best of luck to everyone during this finals week and beyond. You can do it. I know you can.

5 Moments to Practice Mindfulness in Your Workday

We already know I think mini-meditations throughout the day are helpful for creating and sticking to a regular mindfulness practice. Remember, the act of meditation - the practice of sitting and connecting with your breath - is a way for us to train ourselves to be more present at any moment, any day, in any situation.

But we can “practice” mindfulness through bringing ourselves back to the present anytime. Here are 5 scenarios you might encounter most workdays -- great opportunities to reconnect with yourself, instead of getting lost in your mind.

1. Walking into the office

What's on your mind as you're walking from your car to the office every morning? Everything on your to-do list? How much you wish you were still sleeping?

The start of the day is a perfect time to stop and check in with your body. I love to practice mindful walking as I climb stairs -- paying attention to my posture and gait. To do it, simply rest your attention on your feet hitting the ground. Notice which parts hit first, how you apply pressure when you push off, how your body reacts as you lift one foot. Remember that once you didn't even know how to walk and now you can do it without thinking.

Once you get to your office, stop to take a couple deep breaths before sitting down. You'll be checked in and ready to win the day.

2. When you're running late (for a meeting or anything)

This has been me on many occasions. Late for something, feeling like I'm  going to be scolded or that I'm letting someone down, heart pounding and flush.

First, take a deep breath. Start with one, then a couple more. Notice that you can change your internal responses simply by breathing. No one is making your stomach tie into knots or your chest tight except you. Check in and ask your mind and body what’s going on. Maybe you’ll see some thoughts you hadn’t noticed before — "I’m always late, how do I do this?" or, "My client is going to think I'm a jerk." Whatever it is, just recognize and let it go as you’re able. And maybe if your heart is beating like crazy in your chest, you can just make note of that, too. You might find there is some space there to act like a normal person despite the fact that you’re late. After all, the situation already is as it is, right? Now you get to figure out how you’re going to respond in the moment. Mindfully or mindlessly.

3. Before a presentation or speaking in front of a group

This is something that’s difficult for many people. And it has been for me at times. I remember in elementary school having the closest thing I’ve ever had to a panic attack, bursting into tears before I had to give a 3- or 5-minute speech in front of the class. My teacher made me do it anyways and somehow I survived.

Since then I’ve had the opportunity to speak in front of a lot of crowds, in a lot of settings, and it’s become easier. But I still get nervous. And thanks to my mindfulness practice, I can recognize some of the physical manifestations of my nerves as they pop up. Example: My heart starts to beat out of my chest when I really nervous, and my hands get clammy (awkward to handshakes at that moment). I used to try to stop that from happening - as if telling my heart to slow down would actually work. But I’ve learned that simply by recognizing and gently just sitting with it, my body calms down. And by taking slow, deep breaths I’m able to bring things back to a more normal state.

That’s my story. Yours could be entirely different. See what you can learn: Take a moment to check in with your body and to see how it’s feeling before you go on stage or introduce yourself to someone new.

4. When you meet someone new and they ask what you do

Yes, the old elevator speech. As a marketer, I understand the importance of having a quick story to introduce myself and the mechanics of making it stick. As a business owner, I know the struggle of putting it into practice. (Try telling someone you just met that you coach businesses on mindfulness.)

There is a reason our mindfulness work is called practice. It is something that requires effort, something that we engage in with an intent to grow and something we must try over and over again. Making a successful introduction is the very same and the same lessons apply.

Before going to an event where you might meet someone, spend 5 minutes visualizing yourself speaking with confidence as you tell your story. Pay close attention to how your body feels, how it reacts. Realize you can always feel that. If you often stumble over your introduction, set an intention to say things more slowly the next time you shake hands. Create space between any nervous feelings and your speech. You'll look and feel like a natural in no time.

5. During the drive home

Does just thinking about your evening commute make your stomach tight? That was the case for me for years and my car has been perhaps the most beneficial place for me to strengthen my mindfulness practice. I'm still counting down the days until autonomous cars hit the mainstream and I don't have to deal with other drivers again.

And yet, I find it nearly impossible to be stressed or upset if I focus on long, deep breaths when I'm behind the wheel. Or if I remember that everyone around me wants the same thing I do -- to get home to their loved ones as quickly as they can. We can't fix the traffic but we can change our reaction to it.

Try taking 5-10 deep breaths when you're feeling most stressed during your drive. See the changes it makes in your body. Even better, carry that with you as you walk into your house. Your family will thank you.

How to be Mindful in Meetings

I talk an awful lot about what mindfulness looks like in theory. That the mindful leader brings calm and equanimity to problem solving. She understands the individual strengths of each of her team members. She knows where to focus her time and energy.

But how does that look in the real world, where the best-laid plans can fall apart in an instant and personalities come in all shapes and sizes?

Rather than give you an example, I’m challenging you to find out for yourself.

This week, pick a meeting (I’m sure you’re going to a meeting this week) and set your mind to pay attention. Try these things specifically:

• What kind of energy are you bringing to the meeting? Are you excited, tired, bored? Intense or passive? How does that energy feel inside you?

• What energy do the others bring? Is any one person radically different from the rest of the group? Does the energy shift as the meeting begins, progresses and wanes?

• What goes through your mind when someone brings up a point you agree with? One you disagree with? What do you feel in your body in that moment? How do you decide whether to speak up or keep quiet?

• Who keeps everyone on task? How do they do it specifically? Does everyone leave with a clear takeaway or assignment? Do you feel clear on what you are to do, and are you comfortable with it inside?

• Write your observations down. Note what you learned. What you noticed that you hadn’t before, how your body and mind react to what goes on around you. Was it difficult to remain attentive?

Notice I’m not telling you to “meditate.” Just to pay attention — to yourself and to others — and gain a deeper awareness of what’s going on.

Every moment of our lives is a chance to pay greater attention. To see things with greater depth and clarity. How we choose to take advantage is up to us, but the opportunity is there.

Mindful leaders know when and how to pay attention. Through meditation, yes. But also out in the world, when the stakes are real and their choices have an impact.

Start today. You can do it.

Leadership for the Future

How will the world look in the next 10 or 20 years, and what kinds of leaders will we need to help us thrive?

That was the question I asked myself last month in preparing for our workshop at UNC, as a guide for defining how our students could prepare themselves to be the leaders of the future.

Not so I could deliver a talk about the world of tomorrow (h/t Tex Avery). I don’t claim to be a futurist or psychic, and I’m definitely not selling my predictions. But it occurred to me I’d be offering little value to students entering the workplace in the next couple years if I concentrated my lessons on today. So instead I placed my focus on current trends that I think are going to impact us in a large way, very soon.

And they all are thanks to one thing: Technology

Technology is Eating the World

There is more computing power in my smartphone than Bill Clinton had available to him, period, during his presidency. (None of our UNC students were actually alive when he was first elected, but I think this still meant something to them.) That means that in my lifetime they shrunk a supercomputer into my pocket. And most of us just use it to play Candy Crush.

And that technology is growing exponentially. We’re now at the point that we have essentially surpassed our brains’ ability to conceptualize how fast the next changes are coming (nerdy reference).

My favorite technology predictions of the coming decades:

• 2020's: Nanobots will eradicate most disease

• 2030’s: Virtual reality will seem completely real

• 2040’s: Wirelessly connecting our brains to the cloud

That all might sound crazy and might be. But the point is, a lot of new stuff seems likely to happen pretty quickly in our lives and our leaders will need to have to skills to help others thrive in the midst of it.

And as the world continues to develop, we live longer lives and disease control is improved, a host of other challenges come to the forefront.

• Globalization

• Population growth

• Climate change

• Energy consumption

• Waste management

And what I think is one of the biggest, but rarely discussed.

Scarcity of Time and Attention

In 2010, Google noted that every two days we create more data than existed before 2003. In fact, 90% of the data in the world today has been created in the last two years. This is all technology related, of course. But think about how that affects our day-to-day lives — once Internet is ubiquitous, we’re constantly attached to multiple social networks, able to publish freely and storage space isn’t an issue.

We’ve already seen advertisers take over your Facebook feeds. Once the entire world is a network, and every surface on earth is a potential screen, how do things start to look?

That’s why we’re here.

We need mindful leaders.

Our future challenges require leaders who can relate to others, are comfortable with ambiguity and solving complex problems, and who can remain calm and focused on what’s important despite what’s going on around them.

Mindfulness tools — meditation, gratitude practices and others — are the key to helping us stay present in the midst of change. They help us to be a stable force. And most importantly, they allow us to communicate with others on a deeply personal level.

At least, that’s what I think. Like I said, I’m no fortune teller

Chapel Hill, Here We Come!

Today we’re flying to North Carolina to spend a weekend with some Morehead Cain scholars, talking about the need for mindful leadership today and in the future.

This is a group of young adults we know are going to change the world — not someday — but very soon or even as we speak.

Mindful leadership is a fascinating concept. And we’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to define it, and what skills or characteristics define those leaders who are most successful.

Our goal is to provide you and others with the tools necessary to cultivate those qualities in yourself (and in ourselves) so that we can do our part to create a better world. So if you’re interested in exploring mindful leadership further, developing your skills as a leader, or in simply being a part of the discussion, send us a note. We love to talk. 😃

See you soon.

Requisite shot from our flight.

Defining great leaders.

Stop for a Minute and the Answers Will Come

"Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?"
- Lao Tzu

I’m opening the kimono a little in this one...

The days after the holidays were a bit tough for me this year. I spent some wonderful time with family and friends back home around Christmas. I had the chance to catch up with people I hadn’t seen in years — including a woman, now 95, who I saw nearly every day for 10 years of my childhood. It was incredible. Over five days I saw more than 70 people and put over 400 miles on my rental car. (And watched Star Wars with my brother and nephew — an experience I truly cherished.)

It was a lot. And I loved it.

Coming back, though, was a hard crash. And I didn’t realize until after it happened. I came home to an empty house. No more parties to go to, places to drive, schedules to work out. I loved the alone time but it was hard to pick up momentum again. To feel the same energy I’d felt with everyone just days before.

And it’s stuck with me for a bit. My daily gratitude practice has suffered. I’ve had trouble expressing the things I’m grateful for every morning. I’ve been moving, but not in a particular direction so I haven’t finished much substantial work. And I can see it’s affected my relationships with others, as I’ve tried to remanufacture the high I felt during the holidays but haven’t been myself.

Today I sat down to brainstorm some topics for this month’s newsletter and prepare for an upcoming project (can’t wait to talk that more about soon). The ideas came in spits and spurts, from different directions, and without any punch. I was in a funk.

Finally, I realized it was time to stop — everything. To give myself some time to switch it off and let the water settle. This afternoon I sat to meditate for the first time in days. With no intention, no need to search for anything, but simply to let my mind and body relax into where I am. To be back home and nowhere else.

After a few minutes of struggle, my mind slowly began to clear and thoughts became more manageable. I found some calm for the first time in days and the quote above popped into my head. A few minutes of silence gave inspiration for this post, along with what I think is a great topic for our newsletter later this month. (Here is where you can sign up.) 

Lesson learned: If you stop for a minute, the answers will come. Sometimes the best way to search is in stillness. That’s when the dust can settle and the water becomes most clear.

So if you’re struggling with a creative problem or to regain focus, allow yourself time to let your mind be still. Have patience and trust that what you need is found there.

Question: Bringing Mindfulness to Staff with High Burnout and Turnover

We received a great question through our contact form last week from someone whose staff suffers from high burnout and turnover. They understand the importance of mindfulness in combating those issues but haven't had success with the resources they've brought in so far.

Simple, daily practices can help all of us when the stress is too much or when we're struggling to bring our whole selves to our work every day. See what tips we offered below, and let us know if other things have worked for your team. And if you have any questions, ask away. That's why we're here.

(Related posts that might be of interest: Make Your Workplace a Grateful Place and 5 Moments to Practice Mindfulness in your Workday)

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Question: I work at a Community Action Agency with passionate, hardworking, dedicated staff. We suffer burnout and high turnover in staff. We had a teacher-only professional development day this week with the entire afternoon dedicated to Mindfulness. It was a very bad presentation and very scattered message. What can I say or do to convey Mindfulness to my teachers, besides sharing your blogs?

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Answer: I'm so glad you asked this question because what you talk about is a real thing - for nurses, teachers, social workers and others.

I have written three tips below that I think your team could put into practice today. It’s important, though, that we recognize the type of culture that keeps people engaged and emotionally supported, has to be created at the top and reinforced at the bottom. Leaders have to be supportive, team members have to commit every day to being present and compassionate with each other.

1. Give yourselves a break

It’s so important that you recognize that their/your job isn't easy. Stress is inevitable. Feeling like it's too much is understandable. It’s all OK. Repeat: It is OK to feel those things. Don't beat yourself up about it. Everything else is already beating you up.

What you can work on is catching these feelings as they come up, and eventually before they come up so that you don’t get to the point of exhaustion and failure.

Quick exercise: Set an intention to notice when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. How does your body feel - your head, chest, stomach, hands? What are the thoughts on your head? Take note of these sensations, then take three slow, deep breaths. Don’t try to send the stress away or tell yourself not to feel anything, just focus on your breath and be present with it. If you have to remove yourself for a moment, calmly ask for someone to assist or take your place.

Once you can better recognize negative feelings, you can begin to notice when they’re coming up, and what sorts of things trigger them. From there, you have more control over how stress controls your day-to-day life. (Useful once you have some experience.)

2. Practice gratitude every day

When we’re in a stressful environment all the time, it can be easy to focus on the negative - angry parents, difficult kids, moody coworkers. Unfortunately, in doing so we’re only training our brain to have more negative thoughts. We then trigger the release of stress hormones, putting us in a downward spiral of feeling bad (terrible for our health and people around us).

But we can reverse this by choosing to focus on positive things. We’ll fortify connections in our brain that reinforce positive thoughts and hormones, breaking that cycle. And yes, it sometimes can be that simple.

Quick exercise: Every day, list 3 things you’re grateful for. Make at least one of them something super basic that many of us take for granted - the wind on your face, the amazing fingers you type with. When you notice negative thoughts, remind yourself of these things or peek at your list. Replace the negative self-talk with positive feelings of gratitude.

3. Say thank you

This involves adding a teamwork aspect to the gratitude exercise. Remember you’re all in it together - from the top boss to the newest member of your team. As one succeeds, you’ll all succeed. The best teams show appreciation for each other and support everyone on the team.

Unfortunately, we’re failing as a culture to show thanks on a regular basis. Some studies show only 15-30 percent of people say thanks to their coworkers every day. We all need to feel appreciated, feel valued and feel accepted, and it doesn’t take much to show others how we value them.

Quick exercise:

Easy: Every day, make an effort to say 'thank you' 5 times to people on your team (bosses too!) or people you encounter at work.

Harder: Make a gratitude board in the office. At least once a week, every person has to write down why they appreciate someone else on the team, giving a specific example, and read it to them in person. Every note is hung on the board to show it off.

Bonus: Give a reward to the person who shows the most gratitude every month. 

What Are You Focused On?

It's about time we acknowledged that the world around us is designed to distract. In fact, there are multibillion dollar industries built on interrupting what we’re doing and selling us something other people want us to buy. I know. I’ve designed some of those ads.

Those distractions aren’t going away anytime soon. Our phones are embedded in our daily lives. Facebook is forever bookmarked. Pretty soon we’ll get messages piped straight to our retinas.

If we don’t choose where to focus our attention, the world will do it for us. And we’ll end up feeling like we can't keep up. For me, it shows up in a few ways:

• My inbox drives my priorities for the day. Every new message becomes the most important thing. And the messages don’t stop.

• Coworkers who just need a ‘minute’ of time pull me from whatever I planned to tackle. Until it’s the end of the day and my to-do list is unchanged.

• Twitter suddenly becomes interesting when I have a difficult email to write or project to begin. And the project stays unstarted until the last minute.

We can improve our focus

When we meditate, we train our mind to notice what we're paying attention to. And once we know where our attention is, we can decide to move it. Sounds simple but it works.

One study of college students who meditated for just four, 20 minute sessions - not long at all - performed 10 times better on a test of attention than their non-meditating peers. (If college students can sit for a few minutes, any of us can.)

When we can recognize our wandering mind and bring our attention back, we're teaching our minds to listen. So we learn, little by little.

And we’re actually creating new connections in areas of our brain related to attention and memory, making our brains stronger. At work this helps us stay on task despite outside distractions, so we get more done, more quickly, and more importantly, with less stress put on our brain. Thinking becomes more efficient because we're not spending energy on random distractions.

Oh, and once again, studies have shown that people who are more engaged in their work, who feel more productive, also tend to be happier. Sounds good to me. :)

How Engaged is Your Team?

It doesn't take a research study for us to recognize that a lot of people are unhappy disengaged at work. Talking with our family, friends and neighbors gets us all the proof we need. That’s a big reason Golden Bristle exists.

But Gallup does actually study this. And last year they found over two out of every three workers are actively disengaged. This means they’re unhappy, unproductive and spread negativity through their workplace.

Think about that - 70% of people are actively making their workplace a worse place to be every day. (And this is even at its lowest level in 10+ years.)

Disengagement is costly.

ADP estimates each disengaged employee costs their employer over $2,000 every year in lost productivity. Not to mention the ripple effects workplace unhappiness can have on families, communities, etc.

All in, this costs US companies more than $450 billion each year.

Engagement isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about doing work that matches our strengths, aligns with our values and gives us a sense of meaning. Businesses with mindfulness at the core understand that, and meditation practices can help leaders understand their team members more deeply.

Mindful leaders are:

• More likely to communicate with employees, keeping them engaged or determining the causes of disengagement (rather than blaming employees immediately)

• More alert and compassionate to employee needs as humans, personal or otherwise (rather than treating employees like a cog in a machine)

• More cognizant of employee strengths and weaknesses, and able to fit responsibilities accordingly (rather than taking a one-size-fits-all approach)

• More likely to encourage employee growth and upward movement (rather than feeding their own ego by keeping others down)

• Better able to create a workplace with strong values

Mindful employees are:

• More likely to communicate honestly with employers, with presence of mind and an understanding of their feelings

• More able to balance emotions in the workplace

• Better prepared to handle stressful situations as they arise

• More patient and compassionate with team members, customers, etc.

• Better able to communicate their personal values and relate to company values that align

Disengagement doesn’t happen overnight, but it can quickly erode a successful company from the inside. We believe mindfulness is the most effective way to create better leaders and more engaged, fulfilled workers.

That’s why we’re here.

Meditation for Stress Reduction

When I first tell people I use meditation to help business teams, the response I get is generally along the lines of, “Awesome, we could use that. We have a lot going on here and people are totally stressed."

Yes, people are stressed. And yes, we can help with that.

Many people notice as they increase their time meditating, and especially during guided sessions, that it can be a relaxing experience. (You might also notice your first attempts aren't super relaxing. Don't worry - that's why we're here.)

If you do begin to find yourself more relaxed, you're not alone. When people talk about unplugging, resetting their brain, decompressing, on and on, this is what they're talking about. Taking time to get back in touch with our minds and bodies is sorely needed in today’s world of constant stimulation.

While our aim is to go deeper than simply relaxing with our clients, relaxation and stress reduction are real and important benefits of meditation work. In fact, a key ingredient in helping teams to be great at what they do is teaching them to handle the stress they feel each day.

Take Advantage of Neuroplasticity

Our brains are constantly changing, creating and altering pathways in response to our environment and habits. If we’re always stressed, our brains will eventually react to being in that state, and the results aren’t pretty.

By now most of us are familiar with the hormone cortisol, often nicknamed the 'stress hormone'. Cortisol is a primary actor in our fight or flight response to stress, and helpful when we need to react quickly to something dangerous. But when cortisol is is our blood over the long term, it changes our bodies and brain — resulting in elevated blood pressure and damage to our brain’s neurons.

Basically, prolonged stress shrinks our brains and makes us dumb.

Thankfully, meditation can help not only reverse the negative effects of stress on our brains but help us react better during stressful situations and reduce their impact in the moment. And it doesn't take years of practice or sitting for hours a day, either.

Researchers at Harvard found that meditating consistently for just eight weeks produced a measurable increase in brain density in the areas of the brain related to learning, memory and empathy. Furthermore, there were measurable decreased in areas associated with anxiety and depression.

Meditation helped participants’ brains grow to better equip them to learn and work with others, and to be less inclined to become depressed.

Marines Meditate for Stress

Marines have been using meditation for years. As people who are put in the most stressful situations imaginable, stress management is vital to survival and success. Through their work, they have found measurable reductions in stress during combat, faster recovery after stressful training and improvements in mood.

As a bonus they found meditation helped produce physical performance improvements during field tests. It turns out that learning to handle stress is a powerful performance enhancer. Not convinced? Think about professional athletes who choke versus those who are clutch players. The difference isn’t physical ability, it’s their emotional reaction to a stressful moment.

How it Works

Meditation helps induce something called the ‘relaxation response’, which triggers the body to lower blood pressure and heart rate, and reduce perceived anxiety. It’s the antithesis of the fight or flight response, and needs to happen consciously in order to take effect. Mindfulness meditation teaches us to accept our current situation — feelings, thoughts, emotions — fully and without judgment. As a result, the anxiety we feel when we want to escape a stressful situation falls away. We’re fully immersed in the moment without trying to change it.

We can’t escape stress — it’s a part of being alive. But we can better deal with stress by accepting it, rather than trying to run. 

Golden Bristle...Where Did That Name Come From?

Excellent question. And we won't drone on about the hours we spent scribbling hundreds of names on paper before hitting perfection, but that did happen. Anyway...

Are you a fan of mythology? (That was a rhetorical question.) We are and it played a big role in the inspiration for our name.

In Norse mythology there was a god named Freyr -- god of harvest. The harvest has a special meaning to us, as it represents the rewards of hard work and patience. It drives us toward living with purpose and (com)passion. Remember, we all reap what we sow.

Freyr had a pet boar named Gullenbursti (Golden Bristle). Gullenbursti was no ordinary boar -- he was crafted from thousands of strands of gold. It is said that wherever he traveled, the sun shone and plants bloomed. Gullenbursti quite literally manifested abundance wherever he went.

That's the greatest possible vision of what we do -- help others live awesome lives and create businesses that make an impact on the world.

And who better to be our role model than a mythical boar?  

Why Meditation is Our Weapon of Choice

Meditation is key to our work, because we believe it's the most effective way to cultivate mindfulness in life and at work. But before we talk about the tool, we have to first consider the problem we're trying to solve. In our case, that would be:

How do we help folks get more in touch with the present moment -- how they're feeling and what they're thinking -- so that they can live/work with greater awareness and less judgment?

To get there requires a practice/tool that is:

1. Accessible -- Anyone can do it, at anytime, with low barriers to entry.

2. Effective -- It works at both cultivating awareness and acceptance.

3. Flexible/Scalable -- Beginners have just as good a chance of success as long-term practitioners, and the practice grows as people grow.

Oh, and let's recall some of the reasons we are trying to solve this problem in the first place: We're overworked, overstressed and generally disengaged. And we've established that mindfulness is key to being engaged and happy in life and at work.

So then, we need a tool that fits our criteria and effectively solves our problem. Luckily, one has existed for centuries. And it's even gained some renewed popularity in the US, as well.

That, of course, is meditation.

It's tradition for a reason -- the mindfulness practice of choice for centuries, from monks and priests, to the Beatles and Ben Franklin, and now CEOs and coders extraordinaire. So we certainly weren't going to try to fix what wasn't broken.

Why does it work?

Well, first, at its core, meditation is very simple. You don't need a fancy facility or equipment. You don't even have to go anywhere. You can practice at your desk, in your car, in bed or in the conference room. So, really, any of us can practice anytime we want.

Secondly, meditation is effective because there is nowhere to go. No app to open, no cat video to escape to, no notification to distract you. Basically, you have no choice but to let yourself be exactly where you are. So all you have to do is let yourself be in the present moment, without judgment.

And finally, results come quickly, but it's a practice that we never perfect. Don't let that scare you away. Remember, we're trying to tame our mind -- the wonderful thing that is responsible for putting a man on the moon, but also for keeping us up late at night. The good news is small doses have a great effect, and over time it just gets better.

And how do we meditate?

We'll teach you, so don't worry. But to begin, we just focus on our breath. We simply rest our attention on our breath, and know we're breathing.

At some point our minds will wander. A thought or feeling will rise up, take our attention and we'll lose our breath. Once we realize that's happened, we acknowledge the thought and gently come back to our breath. It's that simple. We simply begin again (and again).

And when we practice, we will find our focus is sustained longer, we are caught less in our thoughts and we become more at home with ourselves. That's where the magic happens.

P.S. That moment in which we catch a thought -- that is mindfulness. So, in a way, thinking leads us to victory, because it's an opportunity to become aware.

If you'd like to talk with us about bringing mindfulness practice to your organization, we'd love to talk.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Mindfulness

Mindfulness is becoming a pop culture favorite these days, referenced in articles and books abound. That's great, but it also means we need to be careful about how we use it.

The truth is, there really isn't another word that better describes the state of being/skill we help cultivate in our clients so they can do their best work. And it's important to us that we get it right because we believe our work is extremely powerful and take it seriously.

So, mindfulness it is.

And what exactly do we mean when we say it?

Quite simply, we mean being aware of what's going on -- in our minds, in our bodies, and around us -- and accepting it without trying to change it.

Two keys:

1. Being aware of the present moment, whatever is happening. Whether it's pure joy or rising anger, calm and peace or a tense fright.

2. Accepting it for what it is. (The hardest part.) Anger comes and goes. Happiness passes, as well. To be mindful is to understand and allow it.

Sitting on a beach, feeling the sand on your toes and listening to the moving waves. That's mindfulness.

Catching yourself scrolling Facebook rather than working on an important task, and gently coming back to your work. That's mindfulness.

Recognizing that you're feeling nervous before a presentation and taking a deep breath to calm your body. That's mindfulness.

Snapping back into reality and realizing you've been staring at your boss for 5 minutes, without hearing a word he said. In that moment is mindfulness.

Mindfulness gives us space. Space to decide how we respond rather than react. Space to find calm, to find focus, to consider the perspective of others before we act. Space to do great things.

Our programs are designed to help you cultivate mindfulness through practice. We believe meditation is the most potent tool for that. And even a few minutes a day can produce tremendous results in anyone's life.

To learn more about how we help businesses become more mindful, check out our approach.

If you have any questions or want to talk about how we can help your business, get in touch.

The Mindfulness Manifesto

I believe that each of us is meant to give something unique to the world. Whether in our careers, our family or community, or through volunteer service or a religious organization. We all have something special to offer.

We all want to be happy. We want to contribute, to make a difference in our world or community, no matter how small. We crave connection with others and a meaning to our lives.

But too often things get seem to get in the way of us maximizing our potential.

Our jobs aren’t what we thought they would be — coworkers are nonstop scufflers, our to-do lists are never ending and the bottom line seems to be all that matters. Then when we get home we don’t have the energy to be the parent or partner we’d like to be, we can’t keep up with our schedules or find any time for ourselves. And we too easily forget the feeling of reward we get from giving back.

I started Hero in a Half Shell and Golden Bristle to change that.

I don’t need a thousand words to tell you what I’m here to do: to help people unleash their awesome on the world. That means helping them to do their best work and live their best lives – happy, healthy, calm and focused on what’s important to them.

It’s not possible to make a difference if we’re concentrated on the wrong things, if we’re overstressed and overwhelmed, if we can’t foster relationships with people we care about.

And it’s more important today than ever before. With inboxes thousands of emails large, phones that never stop blinking and an endless media cycle that reminds us all that we’re doing wrong with our lives. Oh, and our kids now have iPads by the time they’re 3, so they don’t miss out on this barrage, either.

The reality is, the world isn’t going to slow down around us.

It’s on us to take a pause.

I know this as well as anyone. I have been a part of the game — leading companies in their efforts to interrupt you on Facebook, email and anywhere digital. And I’ve seen the screens begin to eat our days. Staring at our phones instead of our families. I knew I had to change.

Since I found the tools on this site and put them into regular practice, my life has gotten better in every aspect. Every month, without fail.

I can feel the decrease in stress – not around me, but inside of me. I notice my upsets, the negative or judgmental thoughts and ruminations, and am more able to let them go. I’m more focused on my important work, less sucked into wasteful distraction and the stuff I don’t care about. I’m more patient with my friends and family, willing to listen and feel and invest, and grateful for everything I have. I feel healthier and do more to take care of my physical health. And possibly most important, I’m nicer, both to myself and others. (And more aware I am sometimes still a cranky old man.)

This is not to say things are suddenly perfect. I’m not always happy or full of cheer. I struggle with difficult people – including myself when I’m being difficult. I get tired and impatient, I waste time and I still check my phone way too often. Negative thoughts are around every day. And, yeah, I’m still cranky more often than I’d prefer.

But that’s kind of the point. Perfection isn’t an aim. Nor is it possible. None of us will cease to experience sadness in our lives, or stop being afraid. By the same token, it’s unreasonable to think we’ll always be happy.

Mindfulness helps us understand that these things come and go. Our thoughts rise and fall like waves in the sea.

I can’t make a promise that working with me will make your life or your business perfect. I can’t promise that you’ll find perpetual happiness or that this is a quick fix. It’s not. Nothing is.

Make a commitment to this and I do promise your life will change. Slowly at first, then more quickly. And at some point you’ll look back and won’t be able to recognize the person you are compared to the person you started as. I know. It’s happened to me.

But the truth is, none of the work I do is about me. It’s about you. It’s about helping you unleash the awesome that’s inside you and your business so that you can make incredible things happen. I’m just lucky to be here.

If you feel like talking, I’m here. On email – matt[at]goldenbristle.com. By phone – 615-592-1122. On Twitter – @thieleman1. Say hi. For real.

SOURCE: HTTP://HEROINAHALFSHELL.COM/MINDFULNESS-MANIFESTO

The Ultimate Guide to Mindfully Managing Workplace Conflict

There are just some things that come with being a human — aside from the whole death and taxes thing. We’re made to connect with others but sometimes those connections break down. We don't always get along, even with people we really like. This can be especially true at work. Think about it: if you drop any group of people in the same space, under stress, for 8 hours a day, they’ll find things to disagree about. There will be hurt feelings and upsets. Workplace conflict is inevitable. Because we’re human.

Unfortunately, excess conflict at work can be a source of undue stress in our lives. And remember, stress is already wreaking enough havoc on our health as it is, so we don’t need more of it.

When conflict arises, we need a way to manage it — to get through it in a way that preserves trust and relationships so that we can continue to work together going forward. One team, one dream.

The key to mindfully resolving workplace conflicts is to keep the issue, the issue, and not let it build into something greater. Thankfully, a multitude of mindfulness tools exists to help us prevent things from heading too far south and to bring us back when they do.

Who This Guide is For

This guide is for leaders. And not just those with a fancy title or direct reports. The world needs leaders who are in management positions and also leaders who aren't.

If you take responsibility for making your workplace better, no matter your job title, you’ll find tremendous value in what follows. If you understand that the most successful leaders start with themselves, the tools here will serve you well.

If you wait for permission before making positive change, this probably isn’t for you.

The choice we all have to act mindfully in the face of conflict is the choice to act as a leader. It’s something we live out through our actions. At any moment, we can lead by example, create a vision and inspire others to follow.

Whether you’re a manager considering how to use these tools with your team or working your way toward a leadership role, remember that becoming a mindful leader is your choice.

If that’s your choice, read on.

Top Sources of Workplace Conflict

To be blunt, the source of all workplace conflict is us. We’re humans and we’re all different, so inevitably we’re going to rub against one another. That said, most conflicts can be arranged into a handful of categories. You’ll notice that in many cases, these factors end up working together, contributing in different ways. The biggest lesson, I believe, is for us to understand the complexity of human interaction as we approach managing conflict.

Disagreements

Sometimes conflict is simply about differing opinions. At the onset of this type of conflict, it’s nothing personal (though it can quickly get personal). Some examples:

• You prefer one option and I prefer another. I think the break room should be painted purple and you think it should be wallpaper. Obviously, I’m right.

• We don’t see eye to eye on how a situation was handled. We share a client and I disclosed something to them in a meeting you thought was inappropriate.

• One of us is just having a bad day and are quick to disagree with everyone else. (It happens.) It’ll quickly resolve if we don’t make it larger than it is.

When these types of conflicts are handled quickly and without other issues creeping in, they don’t affect relationships.

Even more, differing opinions are often a good thing. Sparks of tension between partners or team members can lead to the most creative breakthroughs because each person brings something new to the table. It’s when differences in opinions turn personal that relationships can be harmed.

Scarcity and Limited Resources

I use the phrase "one team, one dream" with a purpose. At work, we can forget that we’re a team all working toward one goal.

This can be a particularly significant issue when there aren’t enough resources to go around or people feel like they’re working more than their fair share. Often, it doesn’t even matter whether scarcity of resources is a problem the company is actually facing. If employees believe it to be true, they act as if it is.

Our brains actually change when we’re faced with scarcity (perceived or real). Our thoughts become focused on doing what we can do to stay alive and we lose the ability to see the bigger picture. This can result in acting with extreme self-interest, ignoring the long-term effects of our actions on other and on ourselves.

Conflict due to limited resources can take the form of bickering about teammates behind their backs, keeping vital information about a project to yourself as a way to gain power, or even hoarding office supplies.

via GIPHY

Process and Structure

As employees, our work lives are often heavily impacted by the structures our company has put into place — org. chart, managers, work hours, office layout, technology and equipment.

If we think a team member is in the wrong role, especially if it’s a role we want to be in, our opinion can cloud any interaction with them. Or perhaps we feel constrained by the number of managerial layers in our organization that stop every new idea in its tracks. Or maybe our computers need to be replaced but another department is next in line to receive an upgrade.

Any of these scenarios can cause us to perform poorly in our jobs, lead to stress in our lives and ultimately contribute to conflict with others.

The processes that organizations create can also have a tremendous impact on our day-to-day lives. Without sounding too dramatic, I believe that businesses live and die by their processes — from internal HR process to methods for handling projects and quality control checklists, because they dictate how employees are spending their time. (How we do anything is how we do everything.)

If a process is too strict — formal business attire required — we can feel stifled. If a process is too loose — no formal employee review process — we don’t know what to do and can feel like we’re journeying without a map.

We all know how frustrating it is to encounter a problem that’s already been solved by someone who didn’t document their process, forcing us to make our way through on our own. Perhaps hours could have been saved if someone had just made a simple checklist!

Conflicting Priorities

As companies grow, it can be difficult to keep separate units working in harmony. The broader company vision is often lost as silos emerge and teams concentrate on their own priorities.

I’ve seen this age-old problem played out firsthand in my agency days. Clients who oversaw the sales or marketing department of their company were often at odds with their counterpart in charge of the product. Each department blamed the other for any dip in their team’s results.

“The sales team keeps over-promising results to new clients. There is no way we can deliver what these customers expect.”

“The product team needs to step up and perform for our clients. They have no idea how hard we worked for those sales.”

And on and on...

Remember, these two teams could instead be working as best friends! One cannot have success without the other. Salespeople need to trust that they’re selling a quality product and the product team needs to know customers are set up for success when they sign on. But if they’re unable to see things from the other team’s perspective, the conflict will only get worse.

Priority conflicts aren’t only relegated to large organizations or separate teams. At a former employer, we’d set priorities for our developers early in the day and the company president would often sneak in behind and tell them to work on his projects first. Then at the end of the day, we’d all be wondering why none of our work got done. Not only were our priorities out of alignment, but the actions of our leader undermined the rest of the team. So much for one team, one dream.

Miscommunication or Poor Communication

How many communication apps or tools does your organization use to keep people up to speed? How many meetings are scheduled as check-ins or updates? How successfully are any of those things working?

My guess is that they’re not working so well. Just Google “too many meetings” and you’ll see why. The trouble is, all the tools and meetings in the world don’t help teammates communicate if they’re not willing to be transparent or take the time to understand things from another person’s perspective.

A former employer had difficulties with new hires, notably because they lacked a formal onboarding and training program. People would walk in on their first day, be given a tour and email address, and then told to go do work. As you can imagine, this caused some friction, especially with junior-level hires who needed more direction to be successful. Unfortunately, leadership didn’t always step up and ended up rehiring some positions more than once.

Some questions to consider that might help identify if there is an issue with communication in your workplace:

• How many simple disagreements are caused by someone just not telling another person what they’re working on or their expectations for a project?

• How many performance issues aren’t addressed because a manager neglects to have a difficult conversation?

• How many processes remain inefficient because people work around them but don’t tell anyone?

The list goes on.

It comes down to this: Humans were made to connect through communication, both verbal and nonverbal. It’s key to happiness at work and at home.

Dishonesty

I can’t relegate this conflict contributor to just poor communication. Dishonesty is its own creature and is even more nefarious than neglecting to share with others.

Trust is arguably the most critical component of both successful relationships and to employee engagement. Unfortunately, according to Interaction Associates, only 40 percent of people have a high level of trust in their managers.

We can only earn the trust of others through honest feedback and conversation.

In one of my early jobs, I was regularly told to lie to clients about our mistakes -- covering for promises made during the sales process we couldn’t deliver, or for the project being delivered late or of poor quality. Eventually, I lost trust in both my managers and the team around me, knowing how often I was asked to manipulate people I was hired to serve. It wasn’t long before I left for another company, and many of my teammates found new jobs shortly after.

The trouble with dishonesty is that it becomes ingrained in company culture, leading to further erosion of trust and more dishonest behavior. In the example above, I knew my manager was dishonest and ended up suspecting the same of my teammates. Had I stayed, I may have been tempted to play the game more and lie just to get ahead. Once dishonesty is embedded, it’s difficult to undo.

Poor Performance

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, right? Feeling that a coworker is not pulling their weight around the office can be a tremendous source of stress. After all, why should we work so hard if they’re just coasting?

Conflicts around poor performance often can be split into two categories: real and perceived.

It’s my opinion that poor performance, in most cases, is a secondary result of an underlying issue. Some examples to shed light:

An employee’s performance may suffer due to poor communication. Maybe he hasn’t been adequately trained or provided with expectations. He might hesitate to speak up because he senses his manager is already stretched too thin and doesn’t want to cause an issue. In this case, the performance will likely improve as soon as communication improves (on both sides).

A different employee’s performance might suffer because she’s in the wrong position. Maybe she was hired for a particular role and the needs of the position have changed. In this case, a structural change -- moving her from sales to customer support -- will get her back into a position of strength.

The performance of an entire team may suffer if the company’s larger priorities don’t align with the goals of their particular project. They might not be getting the resources, time or attention required to be successful. Conflicting priorities and resource scarcity are often contributors here.

Perceived performance issues are even more often caused by something else. If I don’t have good visibility into the work a teammate is doing on a large project, I might think they’re just wasting time. Increasing communication throughout the team will help me to better appreciate what others are contributing.

All that to say: “fixing” someone’s performance isn’t always as straightforward as it seems.

Change

Maybe the boss realizes a process or structure just isn’t working and decides to make a change. Most of the team loves it. But some people just don’t. They didn’t see anything wrong with the old way.

Suddenly, it’s Us vs. Them and I’m refusing to change. Why should I, after all, if I’m not the one with a problem? (See how this is also linked to poor communication? It all connects.)

We’ve now created an even larger problem with the team moving in different directions.

Change is such a powerful and expansive topic that I could (and likely will) create a separate guide on mindfully managing change. It’s also something that every one of us has lived through, so we all are aware of its ability to spur conflict. I’m sure any of us could come up with a handful of stories from our own history to that effect, so I don’t want to spend an excessive amount of time here. Still, a couple important points rise to the surface when considering change and conflict.

First, the nature of a particular change doesn’t have to be dramatic to cause conflict. Sometimes what seems like no big deal to members of a team is met with harsh resistance by others. In these cases, personality differences emerge, and underlying emotions can come to a head. Clear communication and trust become even more important.

Second, while change can be difficult, it’s also constant. Every industry is changing; competitors and customers are changing; small and large trends are changing. In fact, many things are changing with increasing speed. Learning how to embrace and work with it is our best hope for success in the future.

Interpersonal Relationships

Raise your hand if you’ve had a coworker you just didn’t like.

**Everyone raises hand.**

It’s just as inevitable as eventually having conflict with someone. We’re all different and some people just rub one another in the wrong way. Relationships in any environment come with unique challenges, and the pressures of work can feel like just one more thing added on. And unlike our friends, we don’t always get to choose our coworkers — thus we end up spending most of our day around people with personalities, value systems, and worldviews different from our own.

Conflicts related to interpersonal relationships aren’t always reserved for the people you dislike from the start. What might begin as a positive relationship can turn sour due to outside forces -- a friend getting a promotion you think you deserve.

Disagreements and tension at work can arise from conflict outside of work when people fail to separate the two environments. I once lived with a coworker (bad idea), which changed the dynamic of our relationship and affected us at work and at home. It didn’t take long for others in the office to notice the tension, either. Eventually, we stopped talking almost completely as the tension rose to such high levels. Working on projects together was not an enjoyable experience for either of us. Looking back, poor communication definitely contributed to our rift. Lesson learned.

Two coworkers dating can also become a cause for conflict or unease between others in the office. It often becomes worse if the relationship ends. Romantic relationships are even more dangerous when between bosses and their direct reports, and are prohibited in many workplaces. And let’s not mention “secret” relationships that seem to always blow up for everyone involved. Bad news all around.

Harassment

Sometimes conflict is more nefarious than simple human differences. Sometimes it crosses a line.

Whether it’s seemingly inconsequential rude comments or remarks (bullying) or as serious as sexual harassment, it’s a real problem and needs to be addressed in all cases. Unfortunately, and as we’ve seen come to light recently, workplace harassment is far too common today. The tools I offer in this guide can offer momentary help to those experiencing harassment, but they are not designed for use as a long-term solution.

No jokes or memes here. Let’s all do our part to end harassment in the workplace. If you’re being harassed or if you witness harassment, report it. Visit the EEOC website for more information.

External Factors

We all have lives outside of work (I hope). Those lives can impact how we bring ourselves to the workplace every day. Stress at home can affect our moods; lack of sleep affects our performance and how we treat others.

While these factors often cannot be controlled by a work leader, they are very real and can have a tremendous impact on a work environment. It’s also important that both manager and employee take them into account on a day-to-day basis to work to reduce their influence.

In fact, Gallup notes that employees are most engaged when their managers invest in them as a whole person, opening dialogue about both work and personal life. The key, they report, is that people feel safe to be open about any subject in their lives.

Table of Contents

Consequences of Workplace Conflict

We’ve established that workplace conflict is inevitable. (Even for solopreneurs. I get into arguments with myself on a daily basis.) Its impact can be diverse and deeply felt throughout an organization, especially when it goes unchecked. What happens when conflict strikes?

Awesome Work from a Well-Rounded Team

Yes, conflict can be beneficial (you’re a little surprised I’d say this, aren’t you?). A workplace of yes-men or lemmings wouldn’t ever come up with a creative idea and would instead agree with everything their bosses say.

Examples of success despite (and sometimes because of) conflict can be found in some of the most iconic co-founder stories: Steve Jobs/Steve Wozniak and Bill Gates/Paul Allen. In each case, they learned to push each other to get the best product made.

I’ve had coworkers who seemed to have it out during creative brainstorming or planning meetings, and then went for beers together after work. While that type of relationship might turn off many people, it worked for them. They were able to compartmentalize differences (key to resolving conflict, as we’ll see) to only the things they disagreed about, respected each other for wanting to do the right thing, and afterward could remain close friends. I think that in many ways they knew the other helped them to see things they wouldn’t have seen otherwise. They were both good at their jobs and their unique perspectives added to the team’s ability to produce creative work.

It turns out that a little conflict might be the best way for learning to take place: AI researchers are even programming bots to learn through arguing amongst each other.

Individual differences can also be additive outside of a one-to-one relationship, and ultimately make a team more well-rounded. As an example, you and I might butt heads due to differing communication styles. You might be more direct than I like. However, your particular style might resonate well with a potential client, helping us to make an important sale. In this case, the difference led to success for the company.

This is also true for personality types. Many workplaces now use measurements like DiSC and Myers-Briggs to better understand the people they’re bringing on board. These tests can help us not only gain information about ourselves — how we see the world and how others see us — but also to understand how we can better be seen by others.

While I might be a details-oriented person, I’m able to tailor my approach for a coworker who relies much more on intuition if I know his natural style. These personality tools are helpful so that we can hire people NOT like us, rather than the opposite. A team of all analytical thinkers is going to have a much narrower worldview than one with a healthy balance of creativity and optimism to go with the skeptics.

In all of these cases, conflict is an additive feature. You can probably come up with many more examples (and not just in the workplace) of conflict leading to a more positive outcome. The trick is learning how to hire or manage a team (and yourself) toward positive conflict. Remember, it’s going to happen, so we can take aim at making it work for us.

Disengagement

Workplace disengagement is a scourge on business, and our lives in general, today. Arguably, it was the primary motivation for the launch of Golden Bristle. I fundamentally believe that engaged, passionate people will work toward causes that bring a positive impact to the world. Disengagement doesn’t just cost money in lost time, it costs us our happiness and the meaning we derive from work.

Unfortunately, disengagement is extremely widespread today. According to Gallup, upwards of 70% of workers are disengaged. They have higher rates of absenteeism, presenteeism (they show up but don’t do anything), higher healthcare costs and actively create a toxic work environment for everyone else. If two-thirds of our workers are actively rooting against our success, we don’t have a very good chance of succeeding.

Conflict turns out to be a major contributor to disengagement, for good reason.

Many employees’ natural response to a domineering boss is to stop trying. This is natural, after all. Our brains are designed to conserve energy (emotional, mental, etc.) to avoid depletion. When we’re continually shut down by others, no matter their place in the chain of command, we learn to avoid engagement. We stop giving ideas. We stop raising our hand. We keep our heads down and shut up.

When we stop contributing, we stop helping our company grow. Disengagement costs U.S. companies up to $600 billion annually, when all costs are considered.

via GIPHY

Turnover

A disengaged employee is only a half-step away from becoming a former employee. Once we feel like our contribution isn’t recognized or appreciated, we’re much more likely to consider taking our talents elsewhere. This, too, is a normal response. We’re driven to find a sense of purpose and fulfill it in our work. That’s why I challenge all of my clients to define their Why and measure whether their employer aligns with it.

High turnover can be a business killer. The Center for American Progress estimates that the cost of replacing an employee can range from 16 percent of annual salary for low-wage jobs to 213 percent of annual salary for executive positions. SHRM pegs estimates at 50-75 percent of annual salary. No matter what, it’s expensive — in dollars, time and speed. You’re losing not only production while the position is empty, but time for training, and institutional knowledge post-hire.

While employee turnover is a reality for all businesses (some employers even say they want their employees to grow enough to leave and do something on their own), turnover due to conflict is almost entirely preventable and should be mitigated whenever possible. A high turnover rate is almost guaranteed to indicate a high rate of disengagement, which means costs overflowing on all sides.

Stress

When I tell people I offer mindfulness services to businesses, by far the most common response I get is related to stress. It’s an all-too-common occurrence in our lives today. In fact, about 44 percent of people say persistent stress and excessive anxiety are a normal part of their day (and that number is growing every year). Stress is the number one cause of long-term sickness globally, and work is the number one source of stress in America, according to the APA.

People report stress causing a negative impact on their workplace performance, on their relationships with peers and superiors, and on their personal life -- particularly relationships with loved ones.

The costs of stress? Upwards of $300 billion annually through absenteeism, diminished productivity, employee turnover and direct medical, legal and insurance fees.

Work relationships are commonly cited as one as a top-three cause of workplace stress. That isn't the bronze medal you want to receive.

Health

It’s not enough that conflict can create a bad day or impact our desire to go to work. When stress becomes an everyday occurrence, it can have negative effects on our behaviors and overall health. People who report high stress at work say it affects their eating habits, sleep patterns, and weight. What’s worse, chronic stress is a destructive force on our bodies. The stress hormone Cortisol — while helpful in acute stress situations when the ‘fight or flight’ response is triggered — actually shrinks the learning and memory centers of our brains and increases our risk of cardiac disease. Make no mistake: Chronic stress is a killer.

And stress isn’t the only health concern for those in toxic work environments. Violence at work accounts for about 15 percent of all violent crimes in the US. You may never think this could affect you or your employees but why ever take the risk?

Errors

I heard a figure recently that blew my mind. Medical errors — measurable and preventable mistakes by healthcare professionals — cost more than $17 billion each year. I’ve also heard rumors about the high cost of code errors by developers at tech companies — something like $300 million each year for Google. You might ask me how those are related to employee conflict. My answer is this: If we know conflict is a tremendous source of stress and we know stress affects sleeping patterns and engagement, it’s only logical that those two will add up to employees not doing their jobs to their fullest potential. That includes making unnecessary errors. And workplaces that communicate effectively, both in terms of expectations and personal issues, will naturally produce fewer mistakes.

Humans aren’t machines but we are paid to do our jobs, and when we don’t, money is lost. Unfortunately, it isn’t only money that’s lost; mistakes can lead to injuries by workers (or in the case above, put patients at risk). Employee injuries due to high stress, inattention, poor process or other issues can carry with them high costs. At hospitals, injuries cost about $331,000 per year for every 100 employees. For airline companies, that number is more than $285,000. Big numbers all around.

At the end of the day, it comes down to this: Conflict is here to stay and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. When it’s productively harnessed, it can improve a business and relationships. When conflict is dealt with poorly, however, the consequences can be costly.

How NOT to Deal with Conflict

via GIPHY

Avoidance

We all know how easy it can be to just avoid something we don’t want to deal with. That nosy neighbor we check for before leaving our house. Tedious assignments with looming deadlines. And, of course, that coworker who just made an offensive statement.

The trouble is, despite how easy avoidance can be, it doesn’t help to remedy conflict. In fact, in many ways, it makes it worse. When we’re upset about something and hold it in, it’s in our nature to continue to return to it mentally, with increasing intensity, until it spills into our daily actions. Sometimes we turn to passive aggressive statements or actions toward the offender. Sometimes we turn the frustration inward and blame ourselves for whatever we’re feeling. Sometimes we just stop doing our work.

I already referenced the brief time I lived with a coworker but it’s especially relevant here. She and I had different habits and differing viewpoints that only became clear once we spent time together at home. Minor annoyances that were relatively easy to deal with at the onset felt much larger once other problems were exposed. And the more each of us let things go undiscussed, the harder it became to address any one of them. By the time we moved out, our relationship was strained so badly that we barely talked at home or at work. Others in our office could see the tension and it affected everyone. Avoidance was a major contributor.

Compliance

Nobody ever grew up wanting to be a yes-man. We all seek to make a positive contribution, which means that sometimes we need to challenge the world around us — our peers, our leaders, or societal norms. But when we find ourselves in toxic environments, work or otherwise, we can begin to feel that compliance is the only path to safety.

Aggressive bosses and bullies get their way because people around them allow it. A culture of fear is self-reinforcing and the conflict it creates never ceases.

If you find yourself choosing compliance, first ask yourself, “Why?” Why am I saying yes to this directive, agreeing to take on this work, participating in this environment that causes me stress? Then other questions may arise. Do I want to continue down this path? What is the cost — to me and to others? Is it worth it?

Bullying or Aggressiveness

In so many ways, we all know it’s wrong to bully others or push them around so we can get what we want. And yet, bullying is a common occurrence not only in our workplaces but in nearly every environment in our lives — from television to sports to politics. A study by the University of Phoenix found that 75% of people have witnessed bullying in the workplace and nearly half of people have been bullied first-hand.

I get it. It’s easy to assert our power over another person when we have it. It “gets the job done” and is usually effective in ensuring compliance. Fear is a powerful motivator. But it isn’t the most effective motivator if your goal is to create a workplace of engaged, dependable, passionate employees working toward a larger purpose. (That’s why we all go to work, right?) Fear will only get you so far. And we already know the high costs of stress on both our business and our health.

If you find yourself being aggressive to win an argument, remember the consequences. It’s just not worth it.

Overgeneralization

Sometimes we try so hard not to hurt another person’s feelings that our feedback becomes unhelpful. We tiptoe around issues with sweeping generalizations instead of addressing them head-on. This comes in phrases like, “Your presentation could use a little more pizzazz” instead of “Your introduction needs a specific story to hook me and the conclusion asked for the sale too early.”

The second sentence gives me information I can work with, while the first leaves me searching for whatever you mean by 'pizzazz'.

In general, specifics help when conflict arises because it gives both parties something concrete to address.

We can also overgeneralize when addressing behavior, expanding one small action into something we view as a larger, ongoing problem. Raise your hand if you’ve used the phrase “You always act like this” or “Why can’t you ever…”.

Conflicts can drag on and on when the parties involved don’t stick to the problem at hand. Let’s say, for example, that you’re upset I didn’t follow up with a client quickly enough to address an issue. That’s an action we can address. If you instead tell me I never follow up with clients quickly enough, I can’t help but be defensive. I couldn’t possibly be excessively late on every occasion, and if my work is so subpar, why haven’t you addressed it previously?

Giving feedback that’s overly generalized can elevate conflicts to unnecessary levels; stick to being prompt and detailed.

Defensiveness

I used to hate showing my work to others, especially before I thought it was perfect (it was never perfect). So much of my identity and ego were attached to what I produced that I was afraid of any negative feedback. And when it came, I’d react with defensiveness, often in the form of excuses. Needless to say, I learned and improved much more slowly than I would have if I had been open to all feedback that came my way.

To be defensive in the face of criticism is a natural response, especially if we care deeply about our work. Our egos tell us we are what we do, so if our work is subpar it means we’re subpar as a person. That’s simply untrue. Our work is our work and we are separate from it.

When we react defensively to feedback, we also teach others we don’t want to get better. When we attack them, we make them less likely to offer help in the future because they need to protect themselves. We all know how frustrating it is to continue to hear the same problems over and over from a friend who refuses to take our advice or only offers excuses for their behaviors.

Defensiveness might feel like it protects us, but all it really does it stifle our growth and separate us from the outside world. It is unhelpful in nearly every situation.

Mindfully Managing Conflict is Key to Future Success

What does mindfulness have to do with conflict? Well, nearly everything. It can be the difference between a moment of tension leading to a creative breakthrough or splitting up two promising business owners. How we react on a moment-to-moment basis makes all the difference.

As we explore the things to avoid when dealing with conflict -- avoidance, aggressiveness, defensiveness, etc. -- we begin to see a pattern emerge. When we resort to those behaviors, often it’s a reaction we haven’t considered fully. In our brains, that reaction is driven by our amygdala and limbic system, primitive parts of our brain sometimes called our “Lizard Brain,” that become triggered when we feel threatened.

Mindfulness helps us escape those reactive tendencies and instead choose how we’re going to respond. We gain freedom from our instinctual patterns.

As we step outside of these patterns and the negative cycles they create, we can elevate our work -- growing as individuals and as a team, focused on how we can work together to achieve our goals. We can choose to use our differences as additive benefits, not the other way around.

Employees come up with more creative solutions when they communicate openly. They’re more engaged when they feel safe and appreciated. As stress is reduced, they can come to work with better health and more energy to do work they care about.

Mindfully managing conflict is, in many ways, a tremendous competitive advantage.

The Daily Practice That Will Change Your Life: 5 Questions

I started a daily gratitude practice in earnest once I dedicated more of my life to the examination of living mindfully. Everywhere I looked, there was a new study telling me that the happiest, most successful people meditate and practice gratitude regularly.

It’s a funny phrase, to ‘practice’ gratitude. Just like it’s funny to think about ‘practicing’ meditation or mindfulness, in the same way we'd practice a sport. But in the phrase is a lesson, in two parts: 1. We need to do it on a regular basis to get better and 2. We’re never going to be perfect (so we get to keep doing it).

A lovely lesson to learn over and over, if you ask me.

So I started writing down three things I was grateful for, nearly every day. This single, small practice changed my life.

That’s a powerful statement. And I know it doesn’t seem like could be much to writing some stuff down every day, but believe me, it works. Research shows it more and more all the time.

My Daily Gratitude Practice

I’ve refined my practice since the first days. I do what fits me and I want to share that with you. It might work for you. You might want to add something. You might want to remove something. Either is OK.

Every day, I answer five prompts, usually in the following order:

1. Why am I here?

My Why is the most important part of my work and life. It’s what gets me out of bed every day, keeps me motivated through the tough times and helps me stay focused on how and what I can do to make an impact.

My life Why: I am here to love. My work why: I help people unleash their awesome on the world.

Every day I write that as a reminder of what it’s all about and use it as a frame for every decision I make thereafter. My off days come when I drift from this focus, every time.

What’s your Why?

2. I am grateful for:

I write at least three things every day that I’m grateful for. They can be the same things over and over (my strong, resilient, health body or the sun shining over us). They can be different things.

You might not be able to come up with very many things to be grateful for at first. That’s OK. Keep going and over time more will come.

Start with 3 things you're grateful for in this moment.

Maybe even try this fun exercise: Come up with 10 things you don’t like and why you’re grateful for them. (Hint: At the very least, they teach us how to live in the midst of things that make us uncomfortable. Now keep going!)

3. What would I like?

There is that old saying that we can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t know where it is, or something like that. I think it’s true.

If I want to wander aimlessly, not stopping to figure out what I want is a guaranteed way to get there. Since I know my Why, finding what I want is easy. I want to share more love. I want to help more people make an impact. And little things add up to get there.

I want my family to live in a safe house. I want to make enough money to provide for them. I want to go on a restful vacation once a year. I want to spend more time with the people I love. It all goes back to Why.

What do you want?

4. How can I be of most service to my people today?

This question is a new addition to the list, giving more specificity than the previous version. What makes this question so powerful? A few things.

It asks us to be of service. Focusing on being of service to others is really the key to success, happiness and all kinds of things we strive for. If you don't believe me, look at quotes from most any successful salesperson or businessperson throughout history. It's always about others.

It forces us to think about who we're serving. Who are my people today? Is it my employees? My customers? My family? The answer might change a little on a daily basis, which only helps the answer to become more clearly defined and result in a more powerful focus.

It's time-sensitive. Shooting for a single win every day is a surefire way to success. Staring at a long, static to-do list, feeling overwhelmed is a way to not win the day.

And once we get some success answering this call every day, we can start applying it more often -- moment to moment even. How can I be of most service to the person with me at this moment? That's magic.

Be of service to your people. Identify how, commit and do it.

5. Daily Affirmation

Affirmations are ways of saying 'I love you’ to ourselves, of creating the lives we want and watching them form. Some examples:

- Today is a great day.
- I accomplish everything I set out to do. Nothing stands in my way.
- I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.
- I am enough. (My personal favorite.)

What are we doing with these? We’re training our brains to believe in the positive. So much of our world is filled with events and stimuli made to bring us down (just check out any news channel). These daily affirmations are our opportunity to shape the world we see into something better, one word at a time.

Write your affirmation daily. Then read it aloud and repeat it anytime you feel lost. It works. I promise.

These are just five things to do daily, most days or even just days you’re struggling, to help you live your most awesome life. You might not notice it at first, but over time everything around you will improve. It’s like magic, except you’re the one making it.