Empathy: Really Getting It

If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say that good leadership requires empathy, I’d be a rich man. As a buzzword, it’s easy to throw around. However, I find it can be difficult to really understand and even harder to put into practice.

So how do we go about practicing empathy?

First, let’s get clear on what it is. When I think of empathy, I like to think of the word ‘grok' from Stranger in a Strange Land — a Martian word meaning “to understand profoundly and intuitively.” There is a way in which we can simply *get* others, at an intimately human level, that touches both us and them. When people talk about empathy, I believe this is what they mean. But just because it is intuitive doesn’t mean it comes without effort or intention. To really get someone has some nuance of its own.

Practicing empathy isn’t just one singular thing just like great leadership isn’t defined by a single characteristic. There are distinct layers of empathy we can reach as we take on getting another person and they’ll each have their own unique impact.

The first is an intellectual layer. It mostly occurs in our head and is usually the easiest to access: we listen to their story or perspective, connect some potential dots in our head, and can work out a logic in which what they’re saying has merit. We might add some of our own memories to the mix or lessons we’ve received as we’ve grown up to give it some strength.

Here’s an example with a friend who loses their job:

First layer empathy acknowledges it’s probably tough, that it might feel scary, considers the current job market environment, relates to having a crappy boss and how it can feel to be free of that. Many of us have given or received this level of empathy and it feels nice to receive.

To be seen in this way feels pretty good. We tend to like when others can see our perspective and follow our logic. Personally, it helps me to feel like I’m not crazy.

But there is a way to go deeper in really getting someone.

The second layer involves less mind, more body. It requires us to feel into our experience, into the way life moves through us in our bodies, and sometimes into places that feel uncomfortable.

Because this layer of felt empathy can be uncomfortable, it’s easy for us to avoid in favor of intellectual empathy. And frequently, this avoidance happens outside of our conscious awareness; we’re blind to the parts that feel unsafe for us to access. That’s what makes it so important. It uncovers the things most people would rather not look at, touch, or experience and, in doing so, creates a level of connection that’s inaccessible otherwise.

This layer requires us to let go of our ego, of the need to be right, and of our desire for things to be different from how they are. That’s the only way to be with someone in the moment. And in the moment is where the magic happens.

Same example:

Second layer empathy asks of their friend: How are they really doing right now? They feel into the part of themselves that’s afraid they’re a fraud and unhireable. They feel into the shame of having to say publicly they don’t have a job. They feel into their anger and resentment toward past managers for not seeing their worth, for stepping on people, for not caring. They feel into the sadness and loss of purpose, the boredom of looking for jobs day after day. And they allow it to be expressed through their body, without needing to push it away or avoid it.

They really get it. And their friend really gets seen, felt, understood on a different level.

That’s deep empathy. That’s grokking.

I believe our responsibility as leaders is to grow our capacity to be with more of these experiences — both our own and others’ — so we can grok life to the highest degree possible.

The challenge is that it’s a game without external measurables. We get to *feel* empathy and whether we *feel* empathized with and only we know what it’s like. That also makes it a game of trust — in someone else to really feel us and to acknowledge when they feel our empathy, and in our own ability to feel deeply without collapsing. We have to be willing to report and receive in the moment. This trust is a vulnerable act. But it’s worth it.

The reasons for this are probably too many to list. Three for today.

The first is personal: we get to experience more of life, without running away or numbing from our experience. And, as a result, we get to connect more with others, in all of their beauty and greatness.

The second is in business: people will want to work for us and with us. They’ll feel free to share more of themselves, including their potential. They’ll stick through hard times and excel during good times. They’ll speak up when we are about to make a poor decision without holding back out of fear.

The third is more universal: our way of being will have ripple effects. Others will pick up on our habits and take them on as their own. They’ll use courage, not only in the office but at home and in public, and others will see them.

Deep empathy carries tremendous upside. It also takes practice, commitment, and a willingness to go to new places. I’d assert that’s why leadership can feel so scarce: it takes guts to grow as a leader and deeply feel. So if you’re on that path, don’t give up. Staying the course proves your leadership.

And a PS for high-achievers like me...

We can’t (and likely shouldn’t) try to take life to its greatest depths all the time because it can be really taxing, physically and emotionally. So it’s also important that we learn to take care of ourselves as we grow. That’s why getting support from our own leader, coach, or peer group is so important. They’ll help us explore our growth edges, while helping us to recognize when we’re falling into our own pitfalls of, say, pushing too hard.