On Generosity
Dall-E: “a hole in a woman's chest opening to reveal a cartoon heart and white light behind it”
Earlier this year, I joined some other high-level coaches for a few weeks of intense coaching practice and development. The group was full of incredible humans I respect deeply and it was a lot of fun to train with them. It was also challenging, as we all demand a lot of ourselves when we're around others we respect.
At the start of every call, we'd check in by briefly sharing how we were feeling and what was going on in our life. There is often (internal) pressure during those check-ins to share the good stuff and leave out the aspects of life we're struggling with. It can be scary to reveal the whole picture of what's going on with us, especially when we want to show up in support of others or so that others don't think they have to take care of us.
On one call in particular, I was feeling great and I checked in with gratitude, excitement, and news of what I was looking forward to that day. Shortly after, someone else checked in with a note that they weren't feeling that great and wanted to be able to show up as generously as me. I smiled.
I've often had a similar perspective about generosity when I tell myself what type of energy I should show up in the world with. The story says that being generous is always giving "positive" energy, always leaving room for others, and never adding something that might bring others down. We're told that leaders need to create upbeat environments and that showing our full humanity is unprofessional.
I see the heart in that perspective...and it's exhausting!
That context for generosity requires us to hide anything other than what we believe is acceptable. It's necessarily stifling, limiting, and disconnecting. In short, it's not very generous.
To me, generosity is the willingness to show up exactly as we are, "positive" or "negative." It's letting others into our experience, however it looks. In doing so, we open a door between ourselves and the world and allow for deeper connection. That door then allows for others to share their experiences more fully, to let us into their world, and creates deeper understanding.
By showing up as our whole selves, we also offer people a choice about how they'll respond. When we hide what's going on for us, we're removing their choice; we're deciding they won't like or accept us before they have a chance. That's stingy and controlling (not generous!). My experience is that, generally, others want to step into that gap (especially coaches) to meet us. In fact, they're often waiting. I have a keen sense of when people are glossing over what's really going on for them to just show me the good parts and the result is that I feel cheated. I want more of them -- the whole picture -- so I can really see them.
Of course, one of my greatest life lessons is to allow others to see me fully. It's been a work in progress for years, so while I'm clear on how my soul relates to generosity, I'm also aware of how my old stories do, too. I'm less likely to open to others when I feel them holding back, even though I know that my courageous sharing will open the door for them. It's a work in progress and I hope my generous offering of that process will allow you or others to find your own courage to share.
As I wrap up my thoughts, I want to make clear that it's important to leave room for nuance in this conversation. I'm not recommending we dump our problems and complaints without permission and call it generosity. Having awareness of how our energy and being impacts the world around us is as important here as it is anywhere. What I'm inviting us all to question is how we might review and upgrade our definition of generosity to allow for more of ourselves and others to exist, how we might hold ourselves to a definition of it that we already hold others to, and how we might continue to show up more committed to living our full expression. It might feel new and it might feel scary but it's probably worth it.
Let yourself out. It's a gift.